Strong

Hello friends, how was your week? Can you believe we Christmas is just 5 days away? The house is as decorated as it can be.  Last year, the day after Christmas, I bought a 7.5 foot tree and several ornaments on sale.  We didn't decorate last year since I was going through treatment but this year, it was on...  My grands came over and decorated the tree. My tree isn't fancy but every ornament is special to me.

I've been having headaches lately but the good news is my CT scan is negative.  No tumor. Just migraines.  I've never dealt with that kind of pain before but an injection and Hydrocodone has helped. I am so incredibly happy to have that CT scan behind me. 

 

Last night I finished my second boot camp and I do believe I'm getting stronger. The scale is actually up but maybe that's because of muscle. I feel amazing after each class. So amazing that I committed to joining the Kaia Fit gym. I'll pay $119 a month but it's cheaper than doing the 6 week classes. On January 6, we start our BRK classes which will be 5 days a week with a running day on Saturday.  I'll have an assessment with a coach and will be required to keep a food journal which I will need to share with my coach each week. 

 

I'm stoked....

 

About my breast reconstruction surgery. I've put that on hold indefinitely.  After meeting with my oncologist and hearing the statistics on my cancer coming back (I'm being positive here. I know I'll be in the percentage where it WON'T COME BACK) so instead of fretting, I will focus on health and fitness and when I'm down to 165, I'll contact my surgeon. Until then, I'll work towards being FIT AND STRONG.  How does that sound?

 

Gosh, I'm happy.  I just wanted to come here and wish you all a merry Christmas.  Talk to  you soon.

12 day challenge

• Our Kaia coaches challenged us to do this 12 day challenge. Sadly, I did not partake. But to my credit, my co-worker and I did a 40 minutes workout at lunch. The weather was gorgeous and we worked out by the pool. I decided to take my own advice and use the gym at work. Time to let go of being self-conscious.
• Another item I want to work on his monitoring my food more closely.  I was keeping a food journal but fell out of the habit.  Time to be more mindful of my eats. I'm even thinking of doing a fast 1 day out of the week.  
• Here is why I need to track my meals.  My co-workers have been indulging in bagels and cream cheese. I am guilty of doing the same. I used to eat a bagel every morning and sadly, I weighed 213 lbs when I did that... TIME TO NIP THAT BAD HABIT.
• My house is decorated for Christmas. It feels festive. A far cry from last year. :-)
• I've been suffering from headache since Thanksgiving. As a precaution, my oncologist scheduled a CT scan for tomorrow. Please say a prayer for me if you have a moment.  I'm trusting in the Lord, but I still need to ask him for good health. So if you'll stand in agreement with me, I'd really appreciate it.
• Well, that's all I got folks. Just wanted to share this 12 day challenge. Let me know how you feel after doing these exercises.  

Later folks.

keep on, keepin on

Exercising after a double mastectomy sans prosthesis.

Hi friends.  Can you believe I did a warm up that included 100 jump ropes before starting boot camp? Man, it felt great. I've not jumped rope since I was a kid.  I am not fast but the fact that I can do them is pretty significant. At least for me.  I asked Daniel to take the picture above when I got home. I left class feeling strong and thin.  I know the picture is not great but I am not thin by any meas.  I felt thin because my t-shirt felt longer.  Looser.

I wanted to share something about  this picture. I am not wearing my prosthesis. It's been 13 months since my double mastectomy.  It's been a tough year is not surprising if you've read PWC for any length of time.  I have felt insecure being in a gym without the prosthesis. It sets me apart.  I've had to check "self-conscousness" at the door when walking into a gym, or the boot camp class designed for woman. Luckily everyone is very supportive.  I know they are because when I'm last to finish a set, I have the coach next to me doing the exercise along side me, with the class rooting and counting down as we finish. Everyone cheers.  Yea, it makes me uneasy but at the same time. I'm here. I"m living this moment. I'm doing my best to live my life.  I want to define the quality of life.  Don't get me wrong. There are moments where I feel sorry for myself, but then I check self because I know it's up to me to make my moments GREAT.  And it's up to you to make your moments great despite your insecurities or what life has dealt you.  Does this make sense?

If you are reading this post and feel self-conscious about going to the gym. Please get over it.  If you feel you are too fat to take a zumba class, You must GET OVER it. Life is short.  Enjoy each day as much as you can. As soon as you wake up.  Decide. Decide right there what kind of day you are going to have. For me, it's calling on God. I remind myself that this is the day the Lord has made for me.  I will rejoice in it... I'm going to have problems. That's a given. But it's up to me to stay calm. Stay out of fear and to keep on keeping on.

Don't let the small shit keep you from missing out.  That's what Cancer has taught me.... keep on, keepin on. I hope if you're reading that you hear what I have to say and do your best to let go of your fears.  Don't let it stop you from enjoying what life has to offer.  Keep on keepin on, okay?

Later gators.
Paula

How to make hand bag weights

Hello, how are you today? It's pretty cold in Sacramento. I hear it's suppose to get in the 20s. Burr... I'm getting ready to head out to boot camp but before I go, I wanted to show you how my daughter and I made hand weights.

We grabbed trash bags and filled them with sand.  We placed them on my scale which was a little challenging.  Once our bags were filled with sand, we tied them and then twisted the remainder of the bag forming a purse handle.  We then got black tape and started wrapping the bag.

We then used decorative tape to wrap the sand bag making it look like a purse.

Here is our 15 lb. hand bag. Isn't it cute?  You must be careful and not grab it by the handle because it's not strong enough. We will use these handbags while doing sit ups, squats, lunges, etc.  The total cost for this little project was $18. Pretty cool, don't you think?

I'm off to boot camp.  Later gators.

H friends, how was your Thanksgiving? I found myself being overwhelmed with gratitude... So much has happened in one year. Today, I had my 4 month check up with a new oncologist.  She says cancer generally returns within 1-2 years. This is something I knew but to have a doctor say it out loud just felt like a punch in the stomach.  I don't want to hear that kind of news... We are doing routine blood work so it's good to be proactive, right? I believe strongly in the power of prayer. Please say a little one for me that all is well.  Gracias.

Yesterday, the weather was gorgeous. Daniel and I decorated the tree in our front yard with lights.  Well, actually, I sat on the bench watching him, listening to some latin music from the 60s, but I was there for what he needed.

I'm looking forward to decorating our tree but it will need to wait for the weekend.  I'm back at work today and I have boot camp this evening.  I think I'm seeing results. Not on the scale but definitely in the way my clothes fit. I've decided to put off reconstruction surgery indefinitely... or at least until I hit my 2 YEAR CANCER FREE MARK.  When I went to the doctor, the scale said 184.  Odd how my scale read 180.  Whatevs.  Not gonna let the scale or fear control me....

I found a mantra that is helping me... FEAR IS A LIAR.  Yes. Fear can be such a dark place and I'm not going to go there. It's up to me to turn those thoughts around. Thoughts that this SHIT will come back... I'm in the Lord's hands and through him, anything is possible. I will be that 25% where it does not come back.

Sorry to come here and be so dark but PWC is my home... It's where I just need to be real with myself... You understand, right?

One day at a time.... that's advice from my mama.  I'm here. God is good and it's up to me to make this day count so I'm going to go to boot camp tonight and give it my all.  Then I'm gong to go home and spend a wonderful evening with Daniel.  I'm so lucky to have him....

Yes, God is good and FEAR IS A LIAR.

One day at a time.

All i can do is try ;-(

Update... 5 weeks of boot camp and not a pound lost... Sad, isn't it? I am hitting it hard 3 times a week. I wish i had the stamina to work out 5 times a week but i am zapped at the end of the day...

I could whine and cry about it except i signed up for another 5 weeks... You know as i typed that, Lady Gaga's song "i live for the applause, applause" song comes to mind. Despite feeling defeated, i gotta keep pluggin away. Last night, i jogged with a resistance band around my waist pulling my daughter. It was tough but i am improving.

I am cooking a little more when time allows. What do you think of these stuffed peppers? I browned ground pork, onions, zucchini and red sauce along with some jasmine rice. Topped with Mexican blend of cheese. Daniel had two servings...



My goal for the next few weeks is to continue logging my food using MyfitnessPal. It is tough to stay under 1300 calories. Every time i log my food fitness pal says i should weigh 173 if i ate this way for 5 weeks.. LIE.... I still weigh 180.

Breast reconstruction seems unattainable even though logically 170 lbs is not that big of a goal. Damn menopause. All i can do is try, right?

Time to dip deeper

Happy Friday all.  Do you have any special plans for the weekend? I'll be working on Saturday. I'm proctoring a Professional Responsibility exam.  We are all doing more at work with the recent staff reductions. I'm blessed to have a job given the state of legal education today.  Many law schools are accepting fewer students and reducing their staff.  Whew... where did that come from?

Anyways, can I show you my recent workouts from Kaia Fit Sacramento? I absolutely love this gym and the workouts.  The woman are super supportive of one another. 

For example, this Super Speed nearly killed me.  I made it to the Kaia Builders and next thing I know, the coach is counting down along side of me, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and she calls time. Everyone starts to applause and it's then that I realize I'm the only one that hasn't finished the set.  I am pretty sure I wasn't doing the exercises correctly but when I could, I called out to the coach for corrections. I gave it all I had. The coach and the class knew I had it in me.... Isn't it odd how we don't know we have it in ourselves? Does that make sense?

Last night, we did a Fit Test. I was able to run the 800M spring in 5.27 minutes.  I've shaved 30 seconds from my first Fit Test four weeks ago. It's not great but it's an improvement.

Burpees remain a challenge.  Any suggestions on how to do them correctly? 

I've been thinking about why I have not lost a single pound in the last 4 weeks. If I'm gong to be honest, I need to examine my portions. Am I being precise in my calorie counting?  I think we're all a little guilty of massaging the numbers as we log them into our journals.  Time to get real with myself.  Bottom line is I NEED TO EAT LESS and not underestimate what I can accomplish.  After all, I did 45 seconds jumping rope last night. I've not jumped rope since I was a kid.

Time to dig deeper on all levels.  If you're up to the challenge, let's do the Super Speed workout in under an hour.  Let me know how you do?

Best,
Paula

Shrimp a la Diabla -- I cooked an amazing meal last night!

Shrimp in red chile sauce

Last night as I waited for trick o treaters, I felt inspired to cook. Daniel was returning home after a 3 day job out of town and so I thought I would have something on the stove for him when he arrived.

I've eaten this dish many times in restaurants but could never quite nail the recipe. I think I came close last night.  Here is what I did.

Sauce Ingredients
3 Chile Guajillos
5 Chile de Japones
4 small roma tomates
3 cloves of garlic

Directions
Toast the Chile de Japones in a skillet until charred and set aside.  Take the Chile Guajillos and remove the seeds and stems.  Place the Guajillos chiles and tomatoes in a small pot with about 1.5 cups of water. Boil on high for about 5-6 minutes until soft.  Add the Guajillo and tomato mixture to your blender, adding the toasted chile de Japones (these are hot so if you don't care for heat, use two).  Add two cloves of garlic, salt and blend.  Set the sauce aside.

Ingredients
1 red bell pepper
1 green bell pepper
1/2 white onion
1 clove of garlic
1 tbs. of olive oil or butter
2 lbs of clean, deveined shrimp. Be sure to remove the tails.

Slice your peppers and onions in thin strips.  Saute in oil or butter until soft.  Once the peppers half way cooked, add your shrimp and toss for a couple of minutes.  Add the chile sauce to your pan. Turn the heat down low. Cover and let simmer for about 15 minutes on low heat.  Do not cook too long because you don't want your shrimp to shrivel up.

Serve over a plate of white rice. Heat tortillas and enjoy.  I think this dish would be great with refried beans. I had a little left over from a previous meal and the sauce added extra flavor to the beans.

If you enjoy spicy food, then this recipe is for you.  Daniel loved the sauce.  I am not the most affectionate person but cooking this meal for him was my way of showing him I care.  He must get tired of eating fast food while working out of town.  Actions do speak louder than words, don't you think?

It feels nice to write about food again.  Here's to inspiration (imagine I have a glass of wine in my hand as I clink your glass).

Have a great weekend my friends and don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour on Sunday.

Best,
Paula

stronger than i realized

Happy Halloween my friends...

Man, what a difference a year makes. Just last year, I was struggling with a diagnosis of stage 2 breast cancer and gearing up for surgery.  You  never know what you're made of until you're tested....

That's exactly how I felt last night after completing boot camp. Every part of my body ached prior to that class. I wanted to skip out but my daughter motivated me to just work through it.  I am so glad I did.  On my drive home, I could not contain my happiness. It's an incredible feeling to know where I was last year and today I am getting through drills that involve planks, plié squats, sit ups and burpees which I struggle with but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

I jumped on the scale and it reads 179 STILL.  It's disheartening.  I start to think "what if I never lose the 20 lbs and cannot get breast reconstruction?" Well, I'll come to terms with that when and if it  happens. For now, I'm going to bask in my feeling of health and fitness.

10/30/13

 I'm stronger than I realized.  I know it's because the Lord is in my corner.

Life is sweet y'all.  Just needed to come here with my praise report.  If you're reading this and are struggling... please do not give up.  After every storm, there's a calmness.   Just hold on... keep going. Whatever the challenge is... look for the blessing. Keep pressing forward.  Life is incredibly sweet even in the midst of challenges. It's those moments that we need to call on our higher power. For me it's God.  I can do all things with him. 

Have a safe Halloween friends and thank you for stopping by this here blog.

Later, gators.

 

Accepting limitations or pushing past them? Slippery slope!

Whew, it's Wednesday and the weekend is almost here.  Speaking of weekends, I wanted to share a spicy treat I found at the Folsom swap meet on Saturday. It's called a "mangoneada." It's basically a spicy tamarind drink poured over crushed ice with slices of fresh mango. They top it off with a nice tamarind candy.  Yum. This was pretty delicious.

Mangoneada

Physical limitations post breast cancer

I am in my second week of boot camp and am loving it.  On Monday, it got pretty intense.  I found myself cheating a little with the ladder jumps. I am so uncoordinated.  You are suppose to run to get as many rounds as possible during your timed workout.  I walked... I know I was cheating myself or was I?

It's tough to accept your limitations. I have limitations?  Ain't nobody got time for that!  Especially NOT after breast cancer. Not only do I want to do all the exercises, but I want to rock them!  We all have a competitive side and maybe that's what I'm up against. My rational side says "easy my friend" and the bitch in me says "pick it up!"

I've been thinking about where I am physically, 8 months after my last chemo treatment.  It's not a bad place all things considered. After all, didn't doctors just pump my body with poison to kill good and bad cells? Didn't I just have a double mastectomy less 11 months ago?  I remind self that "showing up to boot camp and trying YOUR best already makes YOU a winner. Easy girlfriend.  You'll get there."

I am to turn in my goal sheet to my trainer tonight. At this point, my only goal is to rock every workout.  To not cheat myself by walking... but giving it all I got. At this point and time, maybe that's the best I can do... or is it?  See, the competitiveness in me rears her ugly head.

God willing, next year, I'll be closer to another goals such as doing an unassisted pull-up.  Yea, your arm hurts where the lymph nodes were removed... Yea, you gotta be careful but it's possible?  Slow and steady Paula... It's always been your mantra. If that doesn't work, remember what your madre used to say, "One day at a time."  

Those words will remind self to have patience, and to look at how far I've come. All in good measure.

MEASURE.... that's a very powerful word. What do you think?

Ever notice how when you move outside your comfort zone, you feel alive?

Hola, how's it going?

Can I just share that I am so sore that I can barely lift myself off the toilet? Wanna know why?  I joined a 5 week boot camp session that meets 3 days a week. It's all woman and all levels.

We are paired up with another woman and we do DRILLS.  When I saw some of the stuff that we would be doing, I immediately thought "damn, I'm too old for this, what am I thinking?"  Well, I have done two classes and I survived.

What an awesome feeling knowing you pushed the envelope.  I worked out with my daughter and I did not want to slow  her down so I pushed. I did luges, squats, sit ups, used a kettle bell, jumped and tonight, I think we're going to push a big ol tire.

I joined this 5 week boot camp hoping it will help me with losing the 10-15 pounds needed for my breast reconstruction surgery.  I started out at 190 and today, I weigh 178 lbs.  It's hard to eat at 1200-1300 calories.

As part of the boot camp commitment, I have given up sugar. Why is it when something is  prohibitive, you just want it more?

I hope I can share pictures with you all in the coming weeks. I'm so excited.  Ever notice how when you move outside your comfort zone, you feel alive?

Well, that's how I feel.

I'll be back soon. Hope you're having an awesome day. Gotta suit up for my 3rd session.

TTFN,
Paula

these pictures don't tell the whole story

Hi friends, how was your weekend? Mine was very good.  I spent the day hiking with my friend Pablo. We went up to Carson Pass near  Lake Tahoe and hiked up to Frogs Lake, then to Lake Winnemucca and then to Round top Lake and back. I would classify this as a "moderate" hike.  It was brutal coming down. We did a total of 6.5 miles and it's Tuesday, and I'm still feeling sore.

My buddy Pablo wants us to climb that mountain in the back?  Wouldn't that be something to work towards?

My friend took these pictures of me and all I see is HOW MY BODY HAS CHANGED SINCE CHEMO. Please do not get me wrong. I am extremely grateful to have beaten Cancer. Damn!  That was a hard word to type.   I don't always feel like I've "beaten" cancer because fear lurks in the back of your mind but I am certainly here and you don't even know how wonderful it was to be out doing something I love.  When I was recouping from surgery and doing chemo, all I wanted was to be hiking and be normal.  Today I was normal.

Looking at these pictures, I see the toll that treatment has taken on my body. I gained a total of 15 pounds and have 6 pounds to lose before hitting my previous weight of 174.

I am now carrying all this weight in my mid-section, back and arms.

My body is different.  I am determined to not let the  mean girl in me tear me to shreds. These pictures don't tell the whole story. I hiked 6.5 miles in moderately rugged terrain.  I pushed myself towards my former self.

I PUSHED MYSELF...and it was marvelous. 

Even though I'm over weight. Even though it was hard. Even though I am not where I want to be... I am certainly not on the couch where I was and I  praise the Lord for that...

Best,
Paula

FEAR... does it ever go away?

Hi friends, how's it going?

I've been steady in my efforts to lose weight.  The scale is teetering from 180-183.  It seems I can't find a balance between eating less and working out more.  My commitment to exercise has decreased and I must say, it's affecting my outlook.

No one told me that after cancer, there's a whole lotta crap that you go through.... there's an emotional aspect of it that  you just have to go through.... Don't get me wrong. I'm incredibly grateful and happy at this second chance at life.  I'm savoring all my moments. But then, there's that nasty little voice that enters my head when I wake up, when I'm driving and when I'm sitting alone.  It's a voice that fills my head with lies... or  maybe I should just call it what it is... FEAR. 

Fear that it will come back.
Fear that the numbness in my arm after zumba is trouble.
Fear that ....

I really could go on but instead, I've relied on "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you. Plans to give you hope for a future." 

Fear is something I've never lived with before.  I always knew the bills would get paid, that I would overcome whatever trouble that I faced... But this FEAR is so foreign to me.

It's a reminder to shift my thinking. To just do and so last night, I went to that zumba class.  I gave thanks for that wonderful friend who texts me every day with "Going to zumba?  I'll save you a spot, Wanna do weights? It's nice to have a friend to work out with.... I went to class last night.  Did I give it my all?  Maybe 80%.  Afterwards, I was happy that I made exercise a priority. I felt on task. 

Later, when I got home. I loaded the dishwasher.  Changed and sat on the sofa eating my apple slices with sunflower seed butter and just enjoyed the quite of my house.  I had made the most of my day. 

The plan is to have more days like last night. I want to manage and/or eliminate this fear that creeps into my psyche.  Do you think it's possible to eliminate fear?  I don't know but I'm certainly going to try. 

Any suggestions?

Paula

Weigh-in

Hi friends, how are things in your neck of the woods? I hope you are well. Lots of stressful stuff happening at work. I was moved to a new department and i am job sharing with another person. Whew... Not easy.

On the upside, my new co workers are health conscious and all work out during lunch. I am glad for the support.

So today i jumped on the scale. I am making a conscious effort every day to eat less Nd move more. After my last chemo 6 months ago, i weighed 190 lbs.

I weigh 185. Funny how the scale said 182 the day before. I am struggling but feel i am feeling motivated.


My weight before cancer was 174. That's my goal by October 1st. I am mot going to lie. Its harder to lose weight this time around. There is a lot of emotions you go through after treatment. Everyday, i feel more and more like myself.

Tomorrow will be weights.

Life is good my friends.

OLD LADY BOOBS AND THE COLOR RUN

Hola, how are things going?

I recently had my 6 month checkup and an appointment with a plastic surgeon. I was so excited about breast reconstruction until my BMI became an issue. It floored me.  I only have one shot at reconstruction and he will not even consider it until I lose 20 pounds. I weigh 186.  DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO LOSE 20 LBS for A POST MENOPAUSAL WOMAN?

I cried. Then I cried some  more and then I got busy.

Doing the color run was a good start, right?  It was way difficult to run the entire time due to the large crowds, but it felt great to do another run with my girls.  I can pretty much jog 2.25 miles and then I fad to black... Close, but no cigar. 

I've started back to walking during my lunch, and my doctor gave me the go ahead with weights.  Weights... I've never done weights.  You know, 20 pounds feels REAL HARD, but at least it's 20 and not 100 lbs.  I despise how my prosthesis gives me OLD LADY BOOBS...  Of course, I'm going to be 51 so yea, I guess I should have old lady boobs.  I suppose having teenage boobs should give me the incentive I need to lose, right?  We shall see.

Blogging my food helped me in the past, I hope it helps again.

Stay tuned folks... I' gots me some weight to lose!

Hope all is well.

Best,
Paula

Challenge

Hi friends, how are you?



It has been challenging getting back to blogging and exercise.i don!t have the same stamina but i am moving foreword.

I am limited with some exercise because of having lymph nodes removed, but there are some studies that using weights may be a good thing. For now, i do what is comfortable. I jogged/walked two miles yesterday and i am using a run app on my phone. I love challenging myself. I also attended zumba yesterday after a month hiatus. Man, i felt like i was going to throw up during that work out.

I am lucky i have a friend who always texts me before class and encourages me to attend. It helps to have the support. After class i realized how much i have grown after cancer. Its tough losing your hair and having no breasts. During cool down, i wont bend down all the way for fear of exposing my chest area. I refuse to wear my prosthesis during exercise and i feel like people stare but i move past it. I am brave.

My hair has come back curly as hell and grey... Yesterday, i trimmed it and had it colored. I cant wait to surprise Daniel when he comes home. I am starting to look at my old self. I took the picture above yesterday. I have several pictures of self where i look 60 years old... I am learning all about vanity,

I miss blogging and i hope i will do it more as i deal with my new normal life.

I should have blogged more about the personal journey and all that one learns of self. We all have an inner strength that we never knew existed...

Challenges... There is so much meaning behind that word.... Are there challenges that you are facing? May e its just running, eating healthier or being the awkward person at gym.... Just push foreword. You will surprise yourself.

Later gators
Paula

My mother's day in pictures

I just love the ocean, don't you?  Especially when it involves the grands burying  themselves in sand.

 This is my oldest grandson and his expression is just priceless.

 My girls and I were walking on the beach and suddenly, they started walking like crabs.  Apparently it's good for the thighs.  Does it make me a bad mother for snapping  this picture?  Lol.

 My youngest and significant other...

 My oldest retrieving water for the sand castles.

And my oldest with her husband and MIL in the background. I think someone ate too many Tortas. It's moments like these that I love having a camera.  Priceless moments for sure.  So, how did you spend  your mother' day?

Up not down

Ugh.... Scale is going in the wrong direction! This morning weigh in is 189 lbs. Disheartening. Will start a food journal here. Perhaps that will help.

I will also be  happy when my hair is longer. Just saying.  I take random pictures of myself throughout this journey and the eyes never lie.  The window to my soul is not muy bueno today..


On a  happier note, I did walk 2 miles at noon and did zumba in the evening.  I sat out a couple of songs and sneaked out during the cool down.  It felt like "cheating" but hey, something is better than nada. After stopping by my daughter's house to pick up my bib for the Race for the Cure, I came home and made this for dinner.


Not gonna lie. I did eat dried fruit and a bowl of mango, strawberries and peaches with  lots of Tajin.  It was that or the chocolate cookies in the cupboard.  Old habits are definitely back and I'll do better to harness self-conrol. Don't you wish there was an over the counter pill for self-control?  Wishful thinking.  This has always been the  hardest part of losing weight for me...

Oh well, today will be better.

Wishing you all a Happy Mother's day on Sunday... Don't forget to hug your kids... even if they're all grown up.  Something I'm getting better at...

Life

Mine is bueno.  At least today. I woke up early, had my coffee and two cookies. I need to remove that part of my morning ritual. It's one of those habits I picked up during treatment. Truthfully, I've picked up several bad habits. It's just as easy to learn a good  habit as a bad habit, right?  So yesterday, I picked up some fresh veggies and dinner was chicken and sauted mustard greens, spinach, chard and kale.  Snack consisted of carrots and hummus so each day, I make a choice to be healthier.

My lunch hours now include 2 mile walks.  I long for the days where I would walk 2 miles at noon, then do zumba 5-6 times a week. I get upset that I don't have my old stamina.  If  you've read my blog long enough, you know I"m a self-talk warrior. I tell myself that I'm like an athlete who needs to rehab after an injury, except my injury is "chemo."   There's the physical aspect of recovery and the mental aspects as well.  I've cried in frustration when there are moments that my brain will not recall something or when multi-tasking is not so great. I tell self to be patient but of course, I am not patient.

There are things I can do to push myself... we all need to push ourselves, right?  So when my daughter asked me to do the Susan  G. Komen Race for the Cure, I said yes.  Walk or run, I will be there...

Guys, shit happens to and we can either crawl in a hole or start digging.  Life is not always fair and even cruel but there is the "warrior" in me that tells self "keep pushing... keep pedaling. Keep going!

Every day we have choices. Whether its food, whether it's a walk or jog to the park, or the cookies or the kale, or worry and anxiety. There is a higher power and HE is always there... We all  have something or someone that anchors us whether it be our faith, or our rituals.  The goal is to keep pedaling.

Told self to keep going as I tried to complete a two mile jog at lunch. I made it about 1.5 miles.. it's not my best but I'll take it... I'm still in the game.  Thank you Lord.

Feliz

Hey friends, how are you?


Happy cinco de mayo... I made tamales and played frisbee with the grands. It was a great day. I am still working hard to regain my stamina. Some days are easier than others but life is starting to have order....

I think tomorrow i will use my camera. Hopefully that will be a start to blogging again...

I am signed up for a 5k for mothers day... I might not run it all but it will feel great nonetheless... I'll keep you posted.

Toodles

How you see yourself means everything...

Hello, how's your week treating you?

The weather in Sacramento is windy.  As such, I didn't do much yesterday. The guilt settled in and so after a lunch of tuna, eggs and jalapenos, I went for a 2  mile walk.

During my walks, I have lots of time with thoughts.  Instead of worrying about everything, I decided to just enjoy the breeze and the pretty blooms. It certainly helped my mood.

On  my return to my office, I saw my co-workers return from their run. I  notice how fit and lean they are....  I am envious.... Envy is not an attractive quality in a person, is it?  I switch my thoughts to my old saying "I may not be where I want to be but I'm certainly not where I was." 

Then, I remembered how on Saturday, I jogged 1.8 miles non-stop.  It was hard, but I did it. I felt like a real athlete. I felt fit. I felt like a runner.... I guess I need to hold onto that feeling... It's the key to moving forward, right?

Darn, i forgot my zumba gear but i improvised. Came home. Changed and Daniel and i walked 2 miles and then jogged home.


Here i am... A hot sweaty mess. My hair is coming back. It feels softer. So glad when i can chuck the hats.

Nothing like endorphins to make you feel awesome.

Looks like dinner will be fruta...



And of course Tajin.


That's my evening...

You play, you pay

It's raining in Sacramento and when it rains, I find myself wanting comfort food.  My co-worker and I had lunch at this  little mom and pop restaurant two days in a row. When our gregarious Buildings & Grounds guy invited us to lunch, we couldn't resist. He's hilarious and we needed the laughs.  After many suggestions, he randomly pulls into this little place that's just a couple of miles from our office. When I got back to my office yesterday, I googled Dad's Kitchen and saw that it was featrured on Guy Fierri's Diners, Drive-in & Dives.  I couldn't believe Guy Fierri was in my hometown.

I wish I had my camera. This little non-descript place has a gorgeous patio area in the back. It was the perfect place to destress.  Yesterday we shared a tri-tip sandwhcih. I was  happy I sweated off the calories at zumba.

But then.... my co-worker and I just had to return for a BURGER.

What do you think? Delicious, right?

The waitress suggested we try the macaroni and cheese topped with bacon.  O..M..G... (I know, I sound like a 15 year old).  It's been 5 hours since I ate 1/2 the burger, 1/2 the fries and 1/3 of the mac and cheese.  Even though we shared, it was just too much. Why do I do this to self?  I know.. because I have an unhealthy relationship with food. That's why.

I'm sitting here looking for all kinds of reasons not to go to zumba tonight.  Tonight's class will be high intensity. It's raining. I should have no problem talking myself out of going?  Instead, I write this post... reminding self of the need to work out.  I feel like Mr. Meagi in Karate Kid "WAX OFF, WAX ON" But instead I'm saying CALORIES IN, CALORIES OUT.

Oh well, you play, you pay... in this case, you eat, you better burn those calories.  My behavior is counter-productive. I know this... but sometimes, I'm my worse enemy. 

Later, gators.

anyone else do something as repulsive as I?

I love holidays, but man... the sweets are killin me.  I'm doing my best to get back on track after Easter Sunday but I found myself defrosting a slice of white coconut cake that I froze after everyone left on Easter Sunday. I bought the cake because it reminded me of when I was a kid.  There were 6 of  us girls and my dad always bought us a white coconut cake for our birthdays. I made sure I sent the left overs to my family but I  had the ONE SLICE IN THE FREEZER. I found myself at the table last night eating it.

Then right now... as I dress for zumba, I found myself picking up a piece of candy off the floor. HOLD ON... I ATE IT. Please don't judge me. I know it's dispicable... I mean who eats candy off the floor, especially before a zumba class.

But that's where I am in the SUGAH DEPARTMENT....

I leave you all to ponder and make judgment... jeje  Really needing to get a game plan together to get off the sugar.  It's odd how it just takes over your brain.

Anyways all... I bid you a good  night. 

Question:  Anyone else do something as repulsive as I?  Please share. I need not feel alone, right?

What cancer is teaching me

That each day is not promised to us even though we take it for granted. That negativity is a waste of energy. That it’s important to share your feelings with those you love.  We love our family and friends but how do we express it? 

That as we get older, it’s harder and harder for us to stay in awe of the world.  There is so much in the world.  For instance, today on my walk/jog. I admired the poppies that are in bloom.  The arch of a tree as it stood next to a unique building on campus.  I thought “did the architect invision this in his rendering?”  As I walked, I saw the little birds on the ground and my thoughts turn to “this is the day the Lord has made.”  Not just for me but for this little bird and the guy that’s bumpin his music in his car as he drives by.  I am conscious of the breeze from cars driving on the freeway beneath as I walk over the bridge. I stretch my arms so I can feel the coolness. It feels good on this warm day.

I’m present.  I’ve been present the last 4 years. My eyes opened when my cousin passed of breast cancer. I started to see the world differently… I think the Lord has prepared me for this…

I have moments where I let the fear of cancer returning paralize me.  It’s there as I wake up in the middle of the night and I hate it.  I am good at reminding myself that FEAR gets me no where. I remind self that God wants his children to prosper, and have hope for a future.   It helps.

Earlier today, I listened to a lecture and he talked about how our environment determines our invironment.  That statement hit me.  My fear is most definitely impacting my inner life. If I continue to let these thoughts fester, my invironment will become bitter and will surely darken my life. I’m going to pray for God to take away anything that is on the INSIDE that will impact my OUTSIDE.

On a note pad, I have written “there is beauty in the power of a storm” It’s a reminder that everyone has challenges but that afterwards, we are left with a calmness and a relief…  A gratefulness if you will.  Imagine living life fully present? 

I don’t mean for the blog to turn into a cancer blog.  That’s not my intention.  It’s just a place where I share my life lessons and my journey.. a  journey to a healthier self-- Inside and out. 

Take a day if you will. Practice being present.  Look at your environment and fully take it in. You'll be surprised at how wonderful it feels.

Paula 

Hi friends.... Its been a brutal day at work but i cheered myself up with a 3 mile walk. There was some jogging but it doesn't really count since i was left behind in a cloud of dust by a much older woman. She kept a continued pace all through the track. :-(



I have vowed to push myself for the month of April. Doctor says no restrictions so i am pushing ahead.

Having goals again gives one purpose. Will probably do a work out plan for each day...

Can you tell i is happy?

reroute your thinking

Hola, how’s your day going?

Mine is muy bueno.  Last night, I got a text to join my friend Delia at zumba. This is a high energy, no stopping, sweatin your butt off kinda a class. I arrived late but was able to do a non-stop 30 mintues of high intensity zumba.  Delia saved me a spot right in front. Funny how we all started in the back and are now up front.  Confidence shows itself in many ways.  Most of the ladies I know were noticeably thinner than  the last time I saw them. It’s been 5 months since I attended this class. For a moment, I think “that could’ve been me had I not gotten sick.”  I immediately try and stop that kind of thinking. I now live in the GRATEFUL TO JUST BE HERE WORLD and those thoughts are not productive..  Odd how C has a way of changing your whole perspective and you’re able to reroute your thinking.

Anywhoo… it felt great to be sweating my booty off, doing what I love. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, exercise definitely improves the quality of one’s life.

There are small moments of awkardness as I try to resume life.  But there are also moments of laughter…   Like when my friend stopped in the middle of zumba to fix my bandana and joking said “you’re looking like a pirate.” And I respond with “ayre…” and we carry on.

I can’t wait to have my hair back. Not because I miss it but because the “tell-tale signs of cancer” will no longer be present … I’ll be glad when the reminder is no longer visible to the outside world. 

I’m excited for the promise of hair as I run my hands through my scalp. I’m surprised at how soft it feels… not at all like stuble…

Sensational sunday

Breakfast was coffee and fresh papaya and pineapple with lemon and tajin.


Then i prepped the fresh veggies i bought from the fruit stand in Dixon. A small rural town we passed on our way home.


Just look at that beautiful corn and carrots.


I cooked oxtails and beef in a pot with onions and garlic. Let simmer until tender, added the corn, carrots and potatoes, and cooked a while longer, then added cabbage, squash and cilantro.

Soup was delish... My sister and kids stopped by for lunch and afterwards, we sat in the backyard, talked and listened to music.



The house is a mess but i don't mind. It was a nice Sunday. Loud and busy, just the way i like it.

This is a terrible picture of me but i think it sums up just how happy i am.

paula

Just a day to enjoy

Spending a wonderful Friday in San Francisco after a CRAYZEE week. Thank you handsome clerk for the free up grade. Staying at the Sir Frances Drake hotel. Very old and very fancy.



After a ride on the cable car, we arrived at Pier 33 and boarded a boat to visit Alcatraz. I always wanted to tour the prison. So much history there. The seagulls caught a ride ti the island as well.







We did the audio tour of course.





After 2.5 hours of walking it was time to head back to the pier for lunch.



Either i was very hungry or these were the best fish tacos Ever! I washed theses down with a cold beer. Its been months since i had a beer. Small things that make me smile.


Feels wonderful to take a,day off...

How about you? Got any plans for the weekend?