What a busy month I've had. I don't know where to start. I had hoped to blog about my TRI training... but that just didn't happen.

Lately, the back of my car kinda looks like this.... I have my gym bag, my yoga mat, jump rope, hand bag, resistance bands, helmet and my bike.  Each day, I'm either doing a workout, trying to swim (more on that in a bit), biking or doing yoga flow.

I did take a week of vacation to celebrate my 53rd birthday. Getting older if complicated.  On one hand, you dislike getting older but truth be told, what's the alternative?  I'll take the birthdays thank you very much.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday in beautiful South Lake Tahoe. We stayed at this old lodge called the Lazy S. Lodge. It is right near Emerald Bay and right out our back door, was the bike trail.  A hot tub and swimming pool. Perfect location and this meant I didn't miss my training sessions. We rode our bikes to Pope Beach. Ate our lunch right and just basked in the sunlight. 

 

Pope Beach, South Lake Tahoe (Mt. Tallac in the back ground)

 I also did a little jogging.  I did two miles while Daniel rode along side me on the bike. Two miles was tough.  Maybe it was the elevation.

 My favorite part was just sitting at the beach... 

Isn't it glorious when you're able to get away from the hustle and bustle?

When we returned to Sacramento, I still had a week of vacay.  I wanted to maximize this time off with training.  About Training.  It doesn't look like I"ll be doing the Triathalon.  Swimming is just so hard and I cannot for the life of me master the breathing. I've not given completely up... I'm not going to lie. It's discouraging but I really want it so I'll keep trying.

Instead of the TRI, I'm going to do the Granite Man Dualathon.  I first went to scout out the location.  Granite Beach.  Here I am...

I had the best luck. There was a guy who had done the Granite Man several times and was just returning from riding the route.  He offered to do the ride with me.  I know it's not safe to ride with random strangers but there were several people out there.  

Man, those hills were tough. Lots of sharp turns. The picture above is the easy part. 

I finished the route and now at least I know what I'm in for....

I am really excited. The scale isn't going down. I am still NOT losing weight. They say portion control is 80% of weight loss and well, I need to stop fighting that...  I get depressed that I'm not losing weight but I'm super excited that I'm stepping out of my confort zone and living each day...

What else can I ask for, right?

Happy Friday... Can you believe it's already August?  Where is my summer going.

Speaking of summer. Man was it hot in Sacramento.  After work and blogging, I got in my car and headed to Kaia Gym.  Once there, I popped open my trunk.  This picture kinda makes me smile.

Just look at the crap I have in my trunk:

Bike
Helmet
Bike Lock
Gym bag (with toiletries and work clothes)
Resistant bands
yoga matt
kaia bag for swings

You should see what I have in the front seat.  Mesh bag with:

Towel
Goggles
swim cap
bike shorts
top

Crazy, right?

On bike night, I am always a little frustrated starting out.  Getting my bike out of the car is a pain.  Once out, I need to put my wheel back on and connect my front brake. I have yet to manage this without stress.

Once out on the road, we practiced hills on the American Bike trail. It was HOT out there. At least 100 degrees.  It was hard to concentrate on the hills because once I got up, I was so light headed. I got so light headed three times that I had to stay back from the others. There are times I am so happy that my body allows me to do so much, and then there are times that it JUST BONKS OUT on me.

INSERT ME SCREAMING.


After an hour, I was ready to call it a night.

On our way back to the gym, we stropped to check on a group standing on the side of the trail. There was another woman sitting down with her head in her lap. Apparently, I'm not the only one bonking out. Biking is so different from other sports. You really need to fuel and hydrate property. I'm pretty sure I bonked out because I hadn't eaten since lunch. I definitely  need to make me some protein/carby type snack to eat before heading out and while on the road.


Coach said fueling is a big part of biking.  I have so much to learn in these 10 weeks.  Slow and steady, right?  Keep showing up Paula... it's not about the destination. It's all about the journey.  Keep pedaling.

Sometimes you just gotta talk yourself down from the tree.

Have an awesome weekend.  Do you have any fun plans?

showing up

Happy Thursday all.  I hope you are staying cool?  Cuz it's warm here in Sacramento. 

It's my third week of TRI training. I cannot believe I kinda swam a lap and made it to 12 feet. It was scary but I learned something at my half-way point... For a second, I was going to panic. I kept calm and knew that if I just kept my head down, kicked and moved my arms, I would make it. I MADE IT.  It wasn't pretty. But my team (pictured below) kept chanting YOU KAN DO IT.  It was pretty empowering. Love the woman at Kaia Fit.

You have no idea how I feel in the water. My heart is racing like crazy. I feel it in my chest but I know I have to push through it. If it wasn't for this one coach, I probably be holding onto the side of the pool.

I am not sure if I will be anywhere ready to compete come September 21st.  I didn't join the team to compete. I was doing it for the challenge.  I figured by SHOWING UP I might learn something and maybe by some great miracle, I'd learn to swim. 

After Monday's workout, I some how have allowed myself to entertain the idea of actually swimming a 1/2 mile. I've biked 11 miles before and even ran a 5k but I've never done 3 events back to back.  I wake up in the mornings and head to the gym and the thought "paula you are insane... act yoru age woman!" but I push it aside and decide to SHOW UP.  The fact that I'm showing up is awesome enough...  or so I thought. 

Here's the thing. I haven't wanted something so much in a long time. I am working hard.  I want to learn how to swim.  I fight the feeling of being mediocre every time I show up.  But I decide to be present.  I decide to work harder. I have a private swimming lesson tomorrow. I'm committed to using my lunch hour to practice. Who knows, just maybe... just maybe I'm a contender?

The world is full of surprises.

Later gators, I'm off to bike ride... Next up... HILLS.

Stay good.
Paula

Paula

Hola, how was your week? I hope it's been filled with a little adventure. I've been moving office locations.  I work in 2 departments and cover for a 3rd.  The upside to this move is I am back in a small house and I have inherited a wonderful executive desk and a window.  I snapped this picture today and I noticed two things... First, I love that my skin is so brown.  That's from all my outdoor activities. The 2nd is the FAT ROLL ON MY ARM.

See it?  We're never satisfied, are we?  Nope.  Just gonna try and focus on how wonderful I feel.

My workouts are going well.  I've had 3 free-style swim lessons since my last post and  I am making progress. I no longer need the boogie board. I can swim to the 4.5 feet side of the pool.  I'm still scared to go further. I'm pretty sure it's because of my breathing. I need to practice moving my head to the side to come up for air. Every time I do it, my feet sink and then I freak out... SWIMIN IS HARD.

Bike training is going pretty good. I feel more confident on the bike. Not sure why. I learned how to use the gears on my bike.  I practiced going up and down some hills.  Not gonna lie. I was scared. I was careful not to "brake" too much because I don't want to flip over. The speed scares me but I LOVE IT TOO.

I've been doing my regular cross-training workouts, except I missed last night's workout. I arrived there but was late. Tried to bike but then I got so frustrated with putting on my front wheel. Instead, I went straight to the bike shop to have the bike tuned up. Really, like that's going to help me with  my frustration.  I just wanted to make the best use of my evening.  I hate wasting time, don't you?

I'm off early today so I'm going to practice in the pool at work. Again, trying to make good use of my time.  Tomorrow, I swim in open water.

Pray for me okay?  I'm outie. I hope your weekend is awesome.

I kan Tri

Hello, long time no blog... Life  has been really wonderful and busy.  I spent 4th of July with this little one... My daughter woke me up at 4:30 a.m. to work out prior to walking all day at Disneyland. Who does that? Oh, I guess we do.

4th of July--me and Jellybeans

I hope you had a wonderful July.  Did you do anything fun?

I've been knee deep in my Kaia workouts.  Then I caught a cold and was off for 1 week. Don't you just hate missing your workouts when you're sick? Gotta listen to your body and well, I'm back in full effect.  Full effect means something really crazy.  In addition to cross-training, I signed up for a 10 week Triathalon training program. I'm on a team.  Crazy since I don't know how to swim.

Today, was my 2nd day in the water and I floated. I think this is huge since I never thought I would float. I am still using the paddle board but at least now, I know I can float and so maybe this will ease my fear.

I'm not having any huge expectations for the Triathalon. I haven't even registered.  The goal is to do the training. Use the pool time to learn how to swim and then by some great miracle I can swim, I'll sign up but if I don't know how to swim safely enough, I'll sign up for a dualathon in September.  Good enough, right?

I am still so much on the fence about this training.  Can I share a secret with you?  Before C, I was jogging 2-3 miles, doing zumba 5-6 days a week. I was at the top of my game... And then I got sidelined with C.  I hate that there is a BEFORE C and an AFTER C mentality but there it is... always sticking it's tongue at me.  I've made lots of progress in learning how to stay out of fear...  But it holds me back until I'm able to kick it in the butt.  It feels like I'm living on borrowed time and I gotta do all these things before the clock runs out.  It's stupid. I know...

I'm hoping to post some of my workouts. I think this is a major happening in my life and I want to document it... if only for me and to keep a record of how I'm feeling and how I'm progressing.

Anyways, just wanted to share my crazy news. Wish me luck okay?

Blessings,
PWC

Relay for Life

Dear friends,

On Saturday, June 21^st, my family and friends will join me in West Sacramento’s Relay for Life where we will walk for 24 hours to raise money for the American Cancer Society.  This has been a tough year. My extended family saw two deaths this year due to Cancer.  I was lucky. I survived breast cancer and am enjoying remission. I don’t take a minute for granted.  This is my second year doing Relay for Life and it’s become an important cause for myself and my family. I imagine many of us have been affected by Cancer in one way or another. I recently attended a Survivor’s dinner where I met a woman whose been in remission for 40 years.  I got excited to hear those words. But my heart dropped when she said she was battling her 8^th diagnosis.  Imagine being diagnosed 8 times with Cancer.  But thanks to research she is still here, fighting.  If you have a moment, please support the American Cancer Society. Every dollar raised hopefully gets us a little closer to finding a cure and more birthdays.

If you wish to make a donation to Team Ladybugs, you can go here:  http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=58318&pg=team&team_id=1534936

Or perhaps you would like to join us?  If you're local, please come on out. There will be lots of vendors selling food, and other fun trinkets. I’ll be selling homemade Posole, pan dulce and Mexican chocolate. Hope to see you there.

Relay For Life of West Sacramento

Saturday, June 21, 2014

9:00am

Our Lady of Grace School

Holding Onto These Moments

Hi friend, how's it going?

Work
It's been a busy month. Lots of stuff happening at work. You know I've been at my job for 24 years. There's lots of downsizing and even though it's scary to even think about starting a new job, I decided to have my resume professionally done. I was hoping to meet with the person and "talk" about my experience but alas everything is done "on-line." I knew this... but I guess I'm just old fashioned.  I probably could have written it myself but wanted a fresh perspective.  I'm a procrastinator and so having this done is a  huge step in taking care of my future.

Exercise
I've been doing my workouts steadily.  I love that I'm using weights and pushing myself.  Am I losing weight? Not like I want but I've lost 13 pounds since my last chemo which was in February 2013.  I'll take it.

I ran a 5k with my daughter.  Man, I accidentally recorded 10 minutes of my run and all I could hear was my heavy breathing.

 

Here I am a hot mess.  We ran on the levy which was pretty cool. Notice my hair is growing like a weed? Yea, it's a challenge each morning to calm the curls.  I found myself literally in tears out of frustration but then I realize how silly that was. After all, my grandson was graduating middle school and I have a new granddaughter. I'm extremely lucky.

I imagine the tears came from fear.  When you're so happy that it scares you. I just want to hold onto these moments. 

 Tonight I do a fitness test. I so hope I can run a mile faster than 12 minutes.  

Later gators. Hope you're having an awesome day. Gotta run. My little grands are all finishing up school and I'm planning a little grad party. We're going to swim in the back yard, then we'll watch FROZEN in the backyard on the projector and then have banana splits.

Yea, it's going to be epic.  I can just hear my granddaughters.... LET IT GO, LET IT GO. That move is carved in my brain. Guess I'm not alone, right?

N O T A N Y M O R E

Happy Cinco de Mayo... May 5th is not really something we celebrate in my family... September 16th is when we really celebrate Mexican independence day.  For me, Cinco de Mayo is an occasion to eat Chips and lots of Guacamole...

 Our dinner included grilled shrimp along with these veggies.  For an added treat, we ate stuff poblano peppers with cheese... Super bueno.  Even though Mexican food can be loaded with calories, there are occasions where you can HEALTHIFY it..
.

Speaking of HEALTHIFYING.... Today I start another 6 week series at Kaia Fit.  Kaia is similar to Cross-Fit in that we do timed drills, lots of strength and cardio using kettle bells and BIG ASS tires. And every now and then we do a TRX session.  What is TRX? Well according to Google it's a form of resistance training that includes bodyweight exercises in which a variety of compound exercise movements can be performed. These are done with the aim of developing strength, balance, flexibility, and joint stability simultaneously.

\

Well, that's the WWW's definition. Here is mine. Don't laugh.

At the end of class, I asked one of the woman to take my picture doing this move. It's hard. You really engage your core and well.. it's just hard.

I felt intimidated by most of the exercises but I made sure I did each one.  I thought, I'm too heavy. I'm too ... you get the point. I had lots of excuses. But felt wonderful for giving it a try.  I can't believe I am doing some of these workouts.  I am so appreciative of what my body has allowed.

I continue to struggle with body image. At first glance, all I see are the many rolls on my body... Normally, that would side-line me B U T  N O T  A N Y M O R E!!

Feeling "uncomfortable" when it comes to my workouts is so much more rewarding. I used to do Zumba all the time and thought that was a serious workout. And it is... but doing functional intense training at my age is so gratifying. It's just me and the exercise. Am I going to push it or do what's comfortable? 

PUSH IT of course.  I wish the scale was going down.... sadly it has not but I did measure myself this past Saturday and guess what? I'm down 2 inches around my waist, hip, chest and butt...

It's nice when your hard work is rewarded...  My advise to you if you're struggling?  Keep pushing. Keep doing that which makes you feel uncomfortable. What's the worse that can happen?

Later gators.

Late post

Whew, where has the time gone? I've been super busy at work.  I've been working three departments and I'm not going to lie... it's a challenge floating from department to department.  I want to give 100% to each task but when you have to pick-up and move to the next department, it gets tough. There are moments I feel like a man without a country. But I am doing my best to do my best if that  makes sense.

One thing I'm doing extremely well is EATING.

 

I know this is a "late post" but I ate the most amazing food in Los Angeles. I'm not a foodie by any means but I took my meals up a notch... This is a far cry from a taco truck.  One day, I ate Portabella fries... I was in heaven.

 

I was all about "small plates." I am so late to the food scene but I had this amazing eggplant parmesan dish.  The eggplant was sliced very thinly, coated and then stacked atop of each other. It was incredible.

 

Then there was the claim in pasta dish... Pasta, I've missed you...

 

Then there was the venturing outside my comfort and had this dish.. the broth was truly delicious.

I absolutely loved the hustle and bustle of the kitchen. It was insane but seemed to run very smoothly.  The restaurant was called Bottega Louie. If you're ever in Los Angeles, this place is a must.

I'm back doing my workouts... I've yet to get on the scale after eating these amazing dishes but I'm not feeling too bad as I made it a point to walk as much as I could.

I so want to blog more and reach more blogs... I do apologize for not responding to some of your comments and emails. I truly appreciate them...

Paula

Plankin

Happy Tuesday all.  I've been wanting to blog about all that I'm doing but honestly, there are just not enough hours in the day.

Exercise
I've been doing my Functional Fit Training 3 days a week.  Can you believe I can now hold a plank for 2 minutes?

I'm getting stronger with each session. I can't do a pull-up, but I think most woman have issues with doing a pull-up, right?

Hair
It's growing like crazy! When I say crazy, I mean crazy curly.  I'm rolling with it.  Using bandanas and head bands.  Nothing more I can do but embrace it, right?

Traveling
Spending 7 days in Miami was wonderful.  I felt very alive under the warm sun.  I'll be on a plan again tomorrow. I leave for Los Angeles for a conference.  My goal is to stay sugar free which is always a challenge. I know I'll be faced with desserts at some of the dinner events but it's an opportunity to exercise will-power.  My strategy will simply be: If it's something incredible and you can only get it here, then I 'll try it. But if it's something that I can get anywhere else, then I'll pass. Somehow, this helps.  I realize I love experience and if I look at food that way, then it helps me to keep things in check.  We shall see.

Shopping
I'll be attending some events that call for Business Professional attire.  This lead me to Kohl's in pursuit of a suit or conservative dress. I found a pair of slacks, a blouse and a black pencil skirt which fit perfect.  I was shocked that it was a medium. I would never have tried it if I hadn't grabbed it by accident.  You know the best part of the shopping experience was that it WAS NOT PAINFUL?  I usually hate shopping because nothing fits right.  Clothes actually fit.

Gratitude
I'm feeling this emotion pretty much all day long.  Especially after my workouts. I know it's partly due to endorphins, but it's also due to how I embrace life most days.  I live in a state of gratitude. It's a beautiful thing... Perhaps it's the secret to life, maybe? I leave class thanking the Lord that I'm able to jump, squat and run.  Imagine how many of us take that for granted.

It's a wonderful thing when your body allows you physical movement. So many of us take that for granted. Not me. Not anymore.  Imagine what your life would be like if you were restricted? It changes your perspective.

Well, I'll get off my soap box. Just wanted to come here and catch up.  PWC is pretty much where I come to check in with self... that anyone reads is just an added bonus.  And when I receive a comment or email... well, that's just the icing on the cake.

Warm regards,
Paula

Getting "A"s

You remember in school. You wanted an A.  Never wanted a B, C or an F.  Somehow that feeling has spilled over into adulthood.

For instance, I've been doing a job for about 13 years. There was an opportunity to take on a more prominent role in an area. I was scared. Didn't quite understand but asked questions. Planned and then executed.  I got it slightly wrong.  Slightly.  I didn't get that A :-(

I am at the gym. The workout calls for 10 Burpees with Pull-up.  I've yet to do a Burpee correctly, and don't get me started about pull-ups. My coach comes to me "at least you're trying."  Ugh.. TRY? There is no Try, only Do.  Again, I didn't get an "A".

I don't like not getting it right. Trying. I'm always freaking Trying.  Can't I just knock it out of the park, just once?

Sorry but we all want As.  We just do. 

Okay. Time to move on.

Question:

I am looking for new blogs to read.  I would really love to read about other woman in their 50s who are living active lifestyles and cooking amazing yet simple food.  Can you recommend any?  I wish I had more time to be THAT BLOG... There I go again, wanting A's. LOL.

Hey friend, how's your day? 

Mine was good. I did a sweaty 40 minute workout during my lunch hour. Basically, I did 14 reps of 20 exercises.  I must say it's the first time in months where I've used the gym at work. I recall working out every day during my lunch hour... will definitely start back to build up my stamina. I'm getting there.  Must be gentle with self.

Speaking of stamina, last Saturday we had our BRK party at Kaia.  This workout was a celebration of our 6 week boot camp of working out 5 days per week, clean eating, no sugar, no carbs and no alcohol. I could have done better with the nutrition challenges. I did eliminate sugar from my coffee and reduced carbs but I have work to do in that area.

Back to our party, before the festivities, we did a scavenger/survivor workout. We were in groups and there were 12 stations. Each station had us each do a series of exercises.  Let's just say we pushed a car, ran up hills, and carried a fire hose while running.  I was always the last one running behind but I finished. 

Just look at my daughter doing 25 wall balls after completing the 12 stations. Can you believe she is suffering from kidney stones during this workout? She's nuts. I'd be at home. But not her. Such a warrior.

 

After I finished my wall balls we headed on over to the mimosa station.

 

 

6 weeks no alcohol. Man those tasted good. I so wanted another but hey, it was 10 a.m. 

 

 

Here's my team... I can't really tell you if we collected all the stickers from all 12 stations but I know I gave it my all.  I think I'm hooked on these kinds of runs.  Will definitely be working on my running in the next 6 weeks.  Would love to do another 5k. Maybe a zombie run? I think that would be fun.

 

We had our final 6 week assessment, and the verdict is......

 

2 pounds lost

1 inch lost on my thighs

0 inches around my chest

4 inches gained on my rear (what???) Gots to be muscle, right?

4% body fat loss.

 

While I'm not super impressed with my results, it is still a loss.  I've signed up for another 6 weeks and this time around, I'm gong to concentrate on form during the workouts and what I eat.  Trust me... I've counted calories and have stayed at 1200-1300 calories but it's just not working... It's not my thyroid according to my doctor.  What's a person to do? My body is just holding onto the extra weight. It's discouraging but this journey is about a healthier self and I'm working towards that goal. No need to beat myself up. The scale will remain in the garage for now...

 

It's still a good day in the neighborhood my friends... 

Here's to self-discovery and the relationship with self

Happy Lovers Day to you all.  My Daniel isn’t a gift giver or a romantical person, but he does spoil me all the days of the year so I’ll let him off the hook if he doesn’t get me a card.  It would be wonderful if he’d write me a love letter. But if he doesn’t, it’s okay because when I arrived to work, I found this near my desk.

I have a co-worker who is very thoughtful and talented. Can you believe she made this lovely cake and cupcakes? 

I grabbed a cupcake for later because I was pretty full from breakfast.

 

I had a hankering for bacon. I cooked it in the oven while I showered and dressed for work. Then I scrambled up an egg and wrapped it all in a brown tortilla and off I went to work.  I must remember to start my mornings with protein. It certainly helps curb the need for sweets. This cupcake is still on my desk. Of course, I'm guilty of eating a rose pedal. LOL.

My morning also started with a little hair experiment. My chemo curls are out of control. I am trying to embrace them and mostly, I can calm them with hair product but as it grows, it's become quite unmanageable.

See  what I mean?  A closer look at this picture and I realize I need to visit a salon to clean up my sideburns.  Yea, that's another thing about chemo, but I'll save that for another post.  Back to my hair experiment.

I find that washing my hair every morning is drying it out. Dry curly hair is not your friend. So instead, I decided pull it back with a hair thingy I found laying around the house. Note to self: Buy hair accessories. It's time! 

Here's a front view.

 

Side view, kinda.

And here's an older picture when my hair first began to grow out. 

This picture was taking in San Francisco and I was pretty self-conscious. The good thing about hats and scarves is you can hide behind them.  This outing was pretty significant in that I decided to just embrace it.  Own it.  Cancer certainly humbles you and gives you a lesson in vanity.  We never know what we are capable of until we're tested.  I have heard survivors say they were grateful for their cancer. I don't know if I can say that, but I am grateful for the lessons and strength I discovered along the way.

Here's to self-discovery and the relationship one has with self. It's pretty much one of the most important relationships you'll have.

TTFN,
Paula





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello friends, how’s it going?  Can you believe it FINALLY rained in Sacramento.  Three glorious days of rain.  It was perfect timing as I was encouraged to take a few days of vacation since I am no longer accruing time at work.  So with time off, rain, and no gym due to doctor’s orders, I was left with idle hands. And you know what they say about idle hands, right?

Yep. I got me into some trouble. That trouble came in the form of a Molcajete.  You've probably experienced a Molcajete filled with Guacamole, but at Lalo's Mexican restaurant, they are served with grilled cactus, homemade chorizo, thinly sliced chicken and flank steak.  All smothered in a green chile sauce.  Oh, did I mention the blog of cheese that is placed in the bottom of the molcajete? It was a wonderful surprise as I dug into this deliciousness.  I nearly fell out of my chair when they brought blue corn tortillas, grilled onions and whole pinto beans.

I was in heaven.... 

See what happens when I'm forced to relax?

Thank goodness I'm back at the gym today... A girl can get into some serious trouble when she's out of her routine... It's back to the gym for me... Feeling really good today.  It's amazing what a little rest can do for the body and soul.

Any of you watching the Olympics? I just can't get into it this year. 

Paula

My cup is more than half full

Gosh... you're probably sick of my whining. It was so helpful to write my "cancer is a bitch"  post.  Let me share why... if you're tired of this song in dance... I understand. 

After writing my post, I headed to boot camp.

There was a lot of burpees, push ups, kaia builders and I had to use my upper body more than usual. During cool down (run around the building and at each corner stop and do 10, 20, 30, 40 jump ropes)... I couldn't do the jump ropes.  I leg lifts and squats. I felt pain in my chest.  I was scared to drive home but I didn't say anything to my daughter. It's not uncommon for me to get muscle spasms in my chest due to the mastectomy.  I thought they'd get better. Long story short, I was in the ER for 6 hours having tests ruling out heart, blood clot, etc.  Everything came out normal.  I have a follow up stress test and then I'll hit the gym again.

My point is... I have muscle spams in my chest. If I have reconstruction surgery, I'll have more muscle and nerve damage and pain. I don't ever want to be in a position where I CANNOT WORK OUT...  Exercise plays a considerable role in my happiness. I'm not willing to take risks with that and so, I've decided to take reconstruction surgery off the table and to IGNORE THE SCALE.  Yep.  I will place value on getting stronger and eating healthier.  In a year, maybe I'll be able to do burpees without pain or maybe, I just do squats. Whatever it is.. I'm going to feel what I feel and then carry on.

I am pretty content with living the life I currently have and that's good enough.  My cup is more than half full. 

cancer is such a bitch

Last night is week 5 of bootcamp and its labeled “hell week”… I know this is to make things fun and push us but it found me sitting in my car just before class. I sat there. I am pretty positive I had tears forming in my eyes. I feel very defeated at tines.  Last night it was the worse by far.

Why did I feel defeated? Because I cannot lose a measly 15 pounds. My doctor will not schedule my reconstruction surgery until I weight 165.  I weigh 179.  In 3 months, I have lost 1 pound and ¾ of an inch around my body. I sat there in my car wondering why am I doing this to self.  My eating is not perfect but it is by no means bad. I eat two pieces a fruit a day. I incorporate veggies in everything I eat. Most lunches consist of a monster salad.  According to myfitnesspall, I consume 1200-1300 calories and burn 400-450 calories 5 days a week. I am working out harder than I have ever worked out in my life. Before C, I used to do Zumba 5 days a week. Run or walk during my lunch hours and at my lowest pre-C was 172.  I cannot get there for NOTHING despite my efforts.  I am doing functional intense training 4-5 days a week.  My energy is still not 100% but it's improving.

I am discouraged. I question what I am doing and feel like giving up.  I know intellectually that giving up isn’t an option. It’s not who I am but sometimes, I feel defeated. I don’t want to lose the weight to feel skinny. I think feeling strong is much more awesome.  I want my surgery. I am tired of inserting those damn prosthesis into my bra each morning. I hate it.  I hate. I hate it.  But then, I turn to being grateful.  Grateful that I am alive.  Grateful that working out leaves me with so much more energy. Grateful that I am living this life… Grateful for the time I have with my daughter. Working out with her, side-by-side.

It took everything I had to get out of the car. I pulled it together. There were moments I pushed myself harder at the end of the class, I looked at my Polar Watch and I’d burned over 600 calories.  I beat my record of calories burnt.  Did I feel jubilant?  Nope… I just went home. Feeling cold and sweaty and thinking… keep pedaling Paula…  keep pedaling.

Sometimes I feel like Cancer has robbed me of that happy-go-lucky person who was so happy that she was waiting for the sky to fall. For something to ruin the happiness she felt and yes, the sky did fall. But it didn’t defeat me. It didn’t break me.  It’s there looming and I fight that fear every day. I live each day as best I can… but sometimes, cancer is just a bitch…. It continues to try and break me… But I’ll just keep pedaling and placing my trust and faith in my Lord….  Maybe I’m not meant to have this surgery. Maybe THIS is one other thing I have to accept.  Maybe.

Satisfying

Hi friends, how's it going?  Can I just come here and say once again how much I love living in Sacramento.  There are so many places to explore. Daniel and I ventured to Muir Woods near San Francisco.  I have never been here and it was absolutely amazing.

I captured these photos with my cell phone. I immediately regretted not bringing my Canon Powershot.

 

We were surrounded by 500 year old redwood trees. It was incredible just listening to the birds.  There were lots of folks walking around the wooden pathways.

The picture above is a downed tree cut in half for a crossing. I sat right here and took this shot. Beautiful, right?

 Daniel and I headed up towards the edge of the redwoods. Daniel is new to hiking but I think I can say he enjoys it. He was ahead of me.  We walked this trail for about 1.5 hours before turning back to the visitor's center.  Daniel was determined to get to the top of the ridge. You definitely need to study the maps at the Visitor's Center because I was not sure where this trail lead too. I insisted we turn back. I was concerned because it was 2:45 and wanted to be back before 6 when the park closes.  I'm a little traumatized after walking out of Mt. Tallac in the dark... Next time, we'll definitely start out earlier so we can make it to the top with plenty of time.

I must confess that my weekend eats were completely off plan.  After our 2.5 hour walk in Muir Woods, I felt entitled to a hamburger.  I found myself at The Habit eating a Charburger and fries. Did I enjoy it? Yes, but it was not epic... I wanted a burger for weeks and well, it wasn't all that I had hoped. Maybe this means my relationship with food is changing?  Maybe...

Honestly. this burger was not rewarding.  I should have ordered it without the bun.  Seriously... It was disappointing.  Sunday found me in the kitchen prepping veggies.  I made a pico de gallo, chopped veggies, cooked chicken fajitas and PRESTO... Today's taco bowl / lunch.  Now this was amazingly satisfying.

--- Satisfying ---

 

That is what I am looking for in a meal.  Sadly it was not in that burger.  I think I'm making progress, what think you?

Just Own It....

Happy Wednesday all.  Today I'm working in my afternoon office. Moving boxes and working on subscriptions.  Boy, was I a sweaty mess.  I snapped this picture when I sat to take a break.  Man, my curls are out of control.  I used very little hair product this morning just out of curiosity.

Why is it we're never really happy with our hair? It's either too short, too long, to straight or in my case too curly. I've decided to just own it.

Right now, I'm JUST GONNA OWN THE FOLLOWING:

• I'm age 51 and not 35.
• It's okay to be tired.  Rest is good.
• Running a mile in 12.5 minutes.  At least I'm running.
• Doing fewer reps in an AMRAP.  I'm off the couch and in the game, right?
• I can do burpees.  They're not perfect but at least I can lift my body off the ground.
• I'm rockin my core but not so much push ups.... 

It's easy to get caught up in those things you cannot do or things you wish you had. In my case, not so curly hair and more endurance. Instead, I'm gonna focus and OWN what I do have and what I can do...

So I'm gonna OWN THESE CURLS and OWN THIS BODY. How about you? Whatcha gonna own today?

I just want to live life...

Hi friends, how's your day?  I hope you are finding pleasure in all things? Even the mundane.  I rolled out of bed and even though I would love to lay there longer, I was grateful for the morning and the job that awaited me.  I find that if I start my day with gratitude and focus on finding joy in the day ahead, it makes all the difference.  I had an awful migraine last night but woke up so happy that it was mild and manageable.  See, there is joy in that... it made all the difference.

I had a conversation with my friend J today.  J lived on the other side of the tracks from me. Seriously.  I lived in Broderick and J lived in Old Broderick.  The railroad tracks divided our neighborhoods.  J is going through her second bought of cancer.  She called to share how happy she was that she ran the block.  J is a runner.  I knew exactly how she felt.  It's easy to take these things for granted, but when you've battled cancer, you are so grateful for small events.  I couldn't wait to tell her how I can now do 14 burpees.  We both praised God right there and decided to do the Color run together .  She said you know, "I JUST WANT TO LIVE LIFE.."  I know exactly how she feels.

I had my weigh-in last week. I am down 1 pound and have lost 3/4 inches all the way around. EXCEPT... I gained 4 inches on my butt!  What???? I'm suppose to be losing, right?  ASSets, I'll take em. I had to remind self not to get disappointed about the 1 pound loss.  After all, my body fat is down by 3%. I'll take it.

I probably let that weigh in affect me because I ate cake at my grands birthday parties on Saturday and Sunday. I tell you. Put me in a room with butter cream frosting, and it's over. Now I gotta fight the sugar cravings all over again.  I continue to drink my coffee black. Close, but no cigar, right?

In addition to the cake, I've been eating some interesting foods as well.

 I am seriously loving curry these days.  I had lunch with my daughter at a new to us restaurant named Coconut. It's on 25th and J Street, across the street from Thai Basil. How odd that you would have two Thai restaurants across from one another. 

The green papaya salad was unique.

And the mushroom soup was absolutely amazing.  The broth was light with a hint of coconut milk.  The waitress would not tell us the ingredients :-(

I pretty much look forward to my lunches but breakfast is another story. I just cannot stomach smoothies in the mornings.  Let alone green smoothies. Anyone else get grossed out drinking smoothies in cooler temperatures?

In other news, I am getting pretty concerned about our lack of rain in Sacramento. I live near the American River and the river levels are the lowest I've ever seen. I kid you not, we have people walking in the middle of the river where there's just dirt... We are not even watering our grass and well, I am doing all i can to conserve water. Just gonna continue to pray for rain... what else can we do?

Well, I better get back to work.  Here's to having a wonderful week.  Later, gators.

Paula