cancer is such a bitch

Last night is week 5 of bootcamp and its labeled “hell week”… I know this is to make things fun and push us but it found me sitting in my car just before class. I sat there. I am pretty positive I had tears forming in my eyes. I feel very defeated at tines.  Last night it was the worse by far.

Why did I feel defeated? Because I cannot lose a measly 15 pounds. My doctor will not schedule my reconstruction surgery until I weight 165.  I weigh 179.  In 3 months, I have lost 1 pound and ¾ of an inch around my body. I sat there in my car wondering why am I doing this to self.  My eating is not perfect but it is by no means bad. I eat two pieces a fruit a day. I incorporate veggies in everything I eat. Most lunches consist of a monster salad.  According to myfitnesspall, I consume 1200-1300 calories and burn 400-450 calories 5 days a week. I am working out harder than I have ever worked out in my life. Before C, I used to do Zumba 5 days a week. Run or walk during my lunch hours and at my lowest pre-C was 172.  I cannot get there for NOTHING despite my efforts.  I am doing functional intense training 4-5 days a week.  My energy is still not 100% but it's improving.

I am discouraged. I question what I am doing and feel like giving up.  I know intellectually that giving up isn’t an option. It’s not who I am but sometimes, I feel defeated. I don’t want to lose the weight to feel skinny. I think feeling strong is much more awesome.  I want my surgery. I am tired of inserting those damn prosthesis into my bra each morning. I hate it.  I hate. I hate it.  But then, I turn to being grateful.  Grateful that I am alive.  Grateful that working out leaves me with so much more energy. Grateful that I am living this life… Grateful for the time I have with my daughter. Working out with her, side-by-side.

It took everything I had to get out of the car. I pulled it together. There were moments I pushed myself harder at the end of the class, I looked at my Polar Watch and I’d burned over 600 calories.  I beat my record of calories burnt.  Did I feel jubilant?  Nope… I just went home. Feeling cold and sweaty and thinking… keep pedaling Paula…  keep pedaling.

Sometimes I feel like Cancer has robbed me of that happy-go-lucky person who was so happy that she was waiting for the sky to fall. For something to ruin the happiness she felt and yes, the sky did fall. But it didn’t defeat me. It didn’t break me.  It’s there looming and I fight that fear every day. I live each day as best I can… but sometimes, cancer is just a bitch…. It continues to try and break me… But I’ll just keep pedaling and placing my trust and faith in my Lord….  Maybe I’m not meant to have this surgery. Maybe THIS is one other thing I have to accept.  Maybe.

3rd base

There are moments when C is with me the most.  The reality of it hits me. 

Just before I get into the shower and look in the mirror. I see the person staring back at me and it’s then that it hits me what C has done to my physical appearance. I shrug it off because in the grand scheme of things, this means nothing because I’m here.

In the mornings as I dress for work. I decide what top to wear. One that does not have cleavage.  Once the top is chosen, I begin the process of unpacking my prosthesis and inserting them into my bra. It has become a ritual i.e., mornings and evenings.  The minute I return home, I remove and pack  them up and throw on a sweatshirt. How I love sweatshirts and I'm thankful it's not summer. It are these moments that I think most about reconstruction surgery. I am reminded that I’m almost there… Reconstruction is like sliding into  home home base. 

Then, there are those moments that it is so surreal…this has really happened.  I do try not to complain. I remain upbeat and positive. I write this post merely on the chance that someone else is reading and if they experience somethig similar to what I am going through, maybe then, they don’t feel quite alone. I mean "Alone" in the thought process. Clearly, I have family, friends (both real and blog) where I am not alone.  However, there are not many people who can relate.   I think woman who have experience breast cancer are in this elite club all our own.  Life is never quite the same again. C changes you.  In a positive way for sure. I am much more grateful for all that is in this mortal world….my children, grandchildren, Daniel and the beauty that is the world.

I cannot wait until I can feel more myself and laugh with total abandonment. Yes, a laughter where C is completely forgotten and it just a bad memory. We all have struggles in life and when they’re over, we look back and sigh and are grateful they are just that… memories..

All this being said… I feel like I am at third base, waiting for the batter to hit and I am almost home.  Almost home.

Peace out

Paula