the fat one in the group

Hi friends.  I took a few days off for some R&R.  We celebrated Daniel's birtthday at the beach and then a group of us hiked Woods Lake. I've  hiked this a few times and the scenery is just spectacular.

Just look at the cloud formation in the shot above.  You feel really small amongst the rock and outdoors.  We hiked a total of 5 miles at climbed about 1,100 feet in elevation. At least that is what my friend pablo said as he pulled out his topical map.

We started out at Woods Lake which is a nice place to camp and fish.  We walked the steep part of the trail first.  All along the trail you see the hillside dotted with wild flowers.  Some in our group knew the names. I was just glad for great weather. It did start to sprinkle for a second but swiftly cleared up.

This is my third year hiking here and I must say, the flowers were not as plentiful as years past. Maybe due to low snow levels and rain.  But it was still nice to see the different colors here and there. I guess we were just lucky years past.

I was with a group of experienced hikers. Almost everyone had done Half Dome or Mt. Whitney.  I was happy to be with such an elite group, but I also felt insecure.  Do you see the two with back packing gear?   They are training for a week long trip to Yosemite.

I felt so self-conscious in this group.  It was the first time in A LONG TIME that I felt obese.  Looking at the picture above, all I can see is how fat ass is.  I am not writing this to solicit "oh paula you're not fat" comments. No.  I am writing because it's a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time.  It was with me all through the hike.  Especially as we posed for the picture below.  All I could think of was I'M THE FATTEST PERSON IN THIS GROUP.

I acknowledged that feeling on the ride home.  My mind shited to positive comments like:  It's okay.  You're hiking. You're not acting like a fat person.  You could be sedentary on your couch. Instead, you're living life, as you should be! The world is not just for skinny people.  Get over it.

I can see how these negative thoughts can hold you back from enjoying pleasures in life.  There are times where you just have to check the fat girl at the door and just do it.

It's difficult to see what's in the picture above.  I know I should try harder. Be more regimented with my eats.... I just feel so discourage by the process of losing weight.  Who doesn't right? 

I got tired of trying so hard. I would jog 2 days a week, zumba 3-5 days a week. Do points or calorie counting and still get the same results as I have now.  I've stopped jogging and only do zumba 3 days a week, maybe some biking or walking here or there but the fire for fitness have been diminnished because of my lack of results.  That should not stop me, right?

It's hard staying the course.  It's hard not to be discouraged but I refuse to let the negative fat girl keep me down.  I may not be where I want to be, and I will never get there by sitting on the sidelines... Know this paula so get over it.  Live. Laugh. Be. Happy.  Even if you're fat.