Accepting limitations or pushing past them? Slippery slope!

Whew, it's Wednesday and the weekend is almost here.  Speaking of weekends, I wanted to share a spicy treat I found at the Folsom swap meet on Saturday. It's called a "mangoneada." It's basically a spicy tamarind drink poured over crushed ice with slices of fresh mango. They top it off with a nice tamarind candy.  Yum. This was pretty delicious.

Mangoneada

Physical limitations post breast cancer

I am in my second week of boot camp and am loving it.  On Monday, it got pretty intense.  I found myself cheating a little with the ladder jumps. I am so uncoordinated.  You are suppose to run to get as many rounds as possible during your timed workout.  I walked... I know I was cheating myself or was I?

It's tough to accept your limitations. I have limitations?  Ain't nobody got time for that!  Especially NOT after breast cancer. Not only do I want to do all the exercises, but I want to rock them!  We all have a competitive side and maybe that's what I'm up against. My rational side says "easy my friend" and the bitch in me says "pick it up!"

I've been thinking about where I am physically, 8 months after my last chemo treatment.  It's not a bad place all things considered. After all, didn't doctors just pump my body with poison to kill good and bad cells? Didn't I just have a double mastectomy less 11 months ago?  I remind self that "showing up to boot camp and trying YOUR best already makes YOU a winner. Easy girlfriend.  You'll get there."

I am to turn in my goal sheet to my trainer tonight. At this point, my only goal is to rock every workout.  To not cheat myself by walking... but giving it all I got. At this point and time, maybe that's the best I can do... or is it?  See, the competitiveness in me rears her ugly head.

God willing, next year, I'll be closer to another goals such as doing an unassisted pull-up.  Yea, your arm hurts where the lymph nodes were removed... Yea, you gotta be careful but it's possible?  Slow and steady Paula... It's always been your mantra. If that doesn't work, remember what your madre used to say, "One day at a time."  

Those words will remind self to have patience, and to look at how far I've come. All in good measure.

MEASURE.... that's a very powerful word. What do you think?

Ever notice how when you move outside your comfort zone, you feel alive?

Hola, how's it going?

Can I just share that I am so sore that I can barely lift myself off the toilet? Wanna know why?  I joined a 5 week boot camp session that meets 3 days a week. It's all woman and all levels.

We are paired up with another woman and we do DRILLS.  When I saw some of the stuff that we would be doing, I immediately thought "damn, I'm too old for this, what am I thinking?"  Well, I have done two classes and I survived.

What an awesome feeling knowing you pushed the envelope.  I worked out with my daughter and I did not want to slow  her down so I pushed. I did luges, squats, sit ups, used a kettle bell, jumped and tonight, I think we're going to push a big ol tire.

I joined this 5 week boot camp hoping it will help me with losing the 10-15 pounds needed for my breast reconstruction surgery.  I started out at 190 and today, I weigh 178 lbs.  It's hard to eat at 1200-1300 calories.

As part of the boot camp commitment, I have given up sugar. Why is it when something is  prohibitive, you just want it more?

I hope I can share pictures with you all in the coming weeks. I'm so excited.  Ever notice how when you move outside your comfort zone, you feel alive?

Well, that's how I feel.

I'll be back soon. Hope you're having an awesome day. Gotta suit up for my 3rd session.

TTFN,
Paula

these pictures don't tell the whole story

Hi friends, how was your weekend? Mine was very good.  I spent the day hiking with my friend Pablo. We went up to Carson Pass near  Lake Tahoe and hiked up to Frogs Lake, then to Lake Winnemucca and then to Round top Lake and back. I would classify this as a "moderate" hike.  It was brutal coming down. We did a total of 6.5 miles and it's Tuesday, and I'm still feeling sore.

My buddy Pablo wants us to climb that mountain in the back?  Wouldn't that be something to work towards?

My friend took these pictures of me and all I see is HOW MY BODY HAS CHANGED SINCE CHEMO. Please do not get me wrong. I am extremely grateful to have beaten Cancer. Damn!  That was a hard word to type.   I don't always feel like I've "beaten" cancer because fear lurks in the back of your mind but I am certainly here and you don't even know how wonderful it was to be out doing something I love.  When I was recouping from surgery and doing chemo, all I wanted was to be hiking and be normal.  Today I was normal.

Looking at these pictures, I see the toll that treatment has taken on my body. I gained a total of 15 pounds and have 6 pounds to lose before hitting my previous weight of 174.

I am now carrying all this weight in my mid-section, back and arms.

My body is different.  I am determined to not let the  mean girl in me tear me to shreds. These pictures don't tell the whole story. I hiked 6.5 miles in moderately rugged terrain.  I pushed myself towards my former self.

I PUSHED MYSELF...and it was marvelous. 

Even though I'm over weight. Even though it was hard. Even though I am not where I want to be... I am certainly not on the couch where I was and I  praise the Lord for that...

Best,
Paula

FEAR... does it ever go away?

Hi friends, how's it going?

I've been steady in my efforts to lose weight.  The scale is teetering from 180-183.  It seems I can't find a balance between eating less and working out more.  My commitment to exercise has decreased and I must say, it's affecting my outlook.

No one told me that after cancer, there's a whole lotta crap that you go through.... there's an emotional aspect of it that  you just have to go through.... Don't get me wrong. I'm incredibly grateful and happy at this second chance at life.  I'm savoring all my moments. But then, there's that nasty little voice that enters my head when I wake up, when I'm driving and when I'm sitting alone.  It's a voice that fills my head with lies... or  maybe I should just call it what it is... FEAR. 

Fear that it will come back.
Fear that the numbness in my arm after zumba is trouble.
Fear that ....

I really could go on but instead, I've relied on "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you. Plans to give you hope for a future." 

Fear is something I've never lived with before.  I always knew the bills would get paid, that I would overcome whatever trouble that I faced... But this FEAR is so foreign to me.

It's a reminder to shift my thinking. To just do and so last night, I went to that zumba class.  I gave thanks for that wonderful friend who texts me every day with "Going to zumba?  I'll save you a spot, Wanna do weights? It's nice to have a friend to work out with.... I went to class last night.  Did I give it my all?  Maybe 80%.  Afterwards, I was happy that I made exercise a priority. I felt on task. 

Later, when I got home. I loaded the dishwasher.  Changed and sat on the sofa eating my apple slices with sunflower seed butter and just enjoyed the quite of my house.  I had made the most of my day. 

The plan is to have more days like last night. I want to manage and/or eliminate this fear that creeps into my psyche.  Do you think it's possible to eliminate fear?  I don't know but I'm certainly going to try. 

Any suggestions?

Paula

Weigh-in

Hi friends, how are things in your neck of the woods? I hope you are well. Lots of stressful stuff happening at work. I was moved to a new department and i am job sharing with another person. Whew... Not easy.

On the upside, my new co workers are health conscious and all work out during lunch. I am glad for the support.

So today i jumped on the scale. I am making a conscious effort every day to eat less Nd move more. After my last chemo 6 months ago, i weighed 190 lbs.

I weigh 185. Funny how the scale said 182 the day before. I am struggling but feel i am feeling motivated.


My weight before cancer was 174. That's my goal by October 1st. I am mot going to lie. Its harder to lose weight this time around. There is a lot of emotions you go through after treatment. Everyday, i feel more and more like myself.

Tomorrow will be weights.

Life is good my friends.

OLD LADY BOOBS AND THE COLOR RUN

Hola, how are things going?

I recently had my 6 month checkup and an appointment with a plastic surgeon. I was so excited about breast reconstruction until my BMI became an issue. It floored me.  I only have one shot at reconstruction and he will not even consider it until I lose 20 pounds. I weigh 186.  DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO LOSE 20 LBS for A POST MENOPAUSAL WOMAN?

I cried. Then I cried some  more and then I got busy.

Doing the color run was a good start, right?  It was way difficult to run the entire time due to the large crowds, but it felt great to do another run with my girls.  I can pretty much jog 2.25 miles and then I fad to black... Close, but no cigar. 

I've started back to walking during my lunch, and my doctor gave me the go ahead with weights.  Weights... I've never done weights.  You know, 20 pounds feels REAL HARD, but at least it's 20 and not 100 lbs.  I despise how my prosthesis gives me OLD LADY BOOBS...  Of course, I'm going to be 51 so yea, I guess I should have old lady boobs.  I suppose having teenage boobs should give me the incentive I need to lose, right?  We shall see.

Blogging my food helped me in the past, I hope it helps again.

Stay tuned folks... I' gots me some weight to lose!

Hope all is well.

Best,
Paula

Challenge

Hi friends, how are you?



It has been challenging getting back to blogging and exercise.i don!t have the same stamina but i am moving foreword.

I am limited with some exercise because of having lymph nodes removed, but there are some studies that using weights may be a good thing. For now, i do what is comfortable. I jogged/walked two miles yesterday and i am using a run app on my phone. I love challenging myself. I also attended zumba yesterday after a month hiatus. Man, i felt like i was going to throw up during that work out.

I am lucky i have a friend who always texts me before class and encourages me to attend. It helps to have the support. After class i realized how much i have grown after cancer. Its tough losing your hair and having no breasts. During cool down, i wont bend down all the way for fear of exposing my chest area. I refuse to wear my prosthesis during exercise and i feel like people stare but i move past it. I am brave.

My hair has come back curly as hell and grey... Yesterday, i trimmed it and had it colored. I cant wait to surprise Daniel when he comes home. I am starting to look at my old self. I took the picture above yesterday. I have several pictures of self where i look 60 years old... I am learning all about vanity,

I miss blogging and i hope i will do it more as i deal with my new normal life.

I should have blogged more about the personal journey and all that one learns of self. We all have an inner strength that we never knew existed...

Challenges... There is so much meaning behind that word.... Are there challenges that you are facing? May e its just running, eating healthier or being the awkward person at gym.... Just push foreword. You will surprise yourself.

Later gators
Paula