Jealousy does not become you...

Dear Paula,

Today you had an emotional day.  You were in prayer this morning and felt ashamed when you stopped just because your son was walking by. You immediately regretted that jolt.  It’s a wonderful thing for your grown children to witness you relying on God.

Then you went to work.  You felt jealousy and envy.  Why? Because someone is smarter than you. Because you had difficulty explaining something to a co-worker. You couldn’t find the words. You felt the need to blame "chemo brain."  You were thenrelieved when Justice XYZ interrupted. Stage left you went.

At your desk, you had the realization that someone did a better job than you while you were gone.  There was even a cool chart.  Damn jealousy ... You felt LESS THAN…. You wanted to hide.  Your pride was bruised.

You found yourself in tears later in the afternoon. You couldn’t explain the tears to self but tried to "name" the emotions you felt at that moment. You aknowledge you were being prideful and jealous. JEALOUSY... There it is again!  I’ve been feeling JEALOUSY a lot lately.

You've even stopped reading Roni's blog.  Why?  Because you couldn't stomache her health and vitality. You are not proud of your feelings.  Forgive yourself. So what if Roni can do a plank a day, run and do the tough mudder.

Forgive yourself.  God is working in my life. You recognize. You have so much to be grateful for and do not feel bad to be feeling these awful emotions.  Maybe crying is okay.  So you had a double mastectomy. Yes, you went through chemo. And no, you do not have the same stamina prior to C.  Forgive yourself Paula… These are all things that will come back in time.  You are here.  Your scars are proof that you had a bump in the road. Remember your saying “I’m not asking for easy. Just strength.”  Acknowledge your feelings and emotions. Recognize them and get over it.  Gratitude is such a better place to be. You’re making progress. Today you walked 1.5 miles in brisk weather. You felt wonderful…  Hold onto that instead of the green eyed monster. Jealosy does not become you.

Now give yourself a hug...