Cancer treatment is over, and everyone expects life to pick up where you left off. It is not an easy thing to do. You go back to work. You adapt to the changes. You try to keep up with the demands of running a home i.e, cleaning, paying bills, etc. you even try to work out.
You do all these things with side affects from treatment such as pain in your feet, shortness of breath, fatigue, difficulty forming thoughts and you are careful not to complaint...
Today i lost it. I came home tired. Daniel wanted me to join him in running an errand. He does not understand my tiredness. I try to explAin. I am frustrated. He doesn't get it. He feels i am not adapting. I get angry that he doesn't get it. I pick up a plate and i smash it on the floor. He is quiet and i am in my room. Crying. I am filled with an over whelming sense of sadness and most of all loneliness. No one gets it. Cancer and the after math is truly a journey one takes alone.
I realize slamming a plate on the floor was the first time i let myself be angry and you know what? That is okay, because this too shall pass. Not looking for sympathy... Just coming to my small home aka blog to let process all that is me on this road called life.
Paula
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
oh hon..I'm sorry...You may not be looking for it, but you have mine..I can't have empathy and I hope I never do...empathy means you've gone through it and I haven't...and I hope I never do. I can't imagine anything scarier. Take it easy on yourself. I think you smashing that plate showed how frustrated you were and maybe daniel will understand a little better where you are at..I can imagine feeling this way...frustrated because you want to do things...and angry and saddened when others don't understand both how badly you want to and how tired you are. I am praying for you...I don't think life will ever be the same, because you can't go through something this big, this hard and not be changed physically, mentally and emotionally...if nothing else...love yourself. Hugs and I am praying for you and your recovery.
ReplyDeletePaula, babe, you have every right to express your feelings, and in the way which makes sense at the time.
ReplyDeleteThe situation is not the same, but I know that sometimes my lovely hubby (although a darling man) simply doesn't 'hear' me until I get angry. It seems to take that for him to realise that I'm not just sounding off but my worry/complaint/whatever is REAL and serious and needs to be listened to.
Take special care of yourself - the C treatment may be off the radar but the whole routine is tough on anybody's body. Of course there'll be the after-effects, both physical and emotional ones. You need time to adapt to your new normal and need others to understand that just because you aren't still in treatment, the issues haven't been wiped off the map and your 'normal' has probably changed.
Can't help practically, but sending a great big Zen hug from the UK.
Deniz
Paula, can you find your local Gilda's Club and join a cancer support group? Those people get it.
ReplyDeleteCompletely understandable. And if breaking a plate will let out all of your frustration, heck, I will send you a bunch. You are amazingly strong. I agree that you should find a support group or a therapist to air out your frustrations. A neutral ear is always helpful. Having a counselor has saved my sanity over the last year and a half. Abraso!
ReplyDeleteAll, thank you so much for your validation. Throwing that plate was out of left field but it did allow me to feel the anger and frustation. My daniel was caught out of left field. I am grateful for his quite patience. Moments after writing this post, he entered the room and told me he loved me and that he was proud of me and that I was "valiant." It took me throwing that plate for him to hear me.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing what a temper tantrum and a good night sleep can do for one's perspective. I definitely will be talking to someone. I don't want to be angry or frustrated and I'm giving self time... time to heal.
Thank you all for listening to me. Your words are comforting.