Cancer treatment is over, and everyone expects life to pick up where you left off. It is not an easy thing to do. You go back to work. You adapt to the changes. You try to keep up with the demands of running a home i.e, cleaning, paying bills, etc. you even try to work out.

You do all these things with side affects from treatment such as pain in your feet, shortness of breath, fatigue, difficulty forming thoughts and you are careful not to complaint...

Today i lost it. I came home tired. Daniel wanted me to join him in running an errand. He does not understand my tiredness. I try to explAin. I am frustrated. He doesn't get it. He feels i am not adapting. I get angry that he doesn't get it. I pick up a plate and i smash it on the floor. He is quiet and i am in my room. Crying. I am filled with an over whelming sense of sadness and most of all loneliness. No one gets it. Cancer and the after math is truly a journey one takes alone.

I realize slamming a plate on the floor was the first time i let myself be angry and you know what? That is okay, because this too shall pass. Not looking for sympathy... Just coming to my small home aka blog to let process all that is me on this road called life.

Paula


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Molcajete

Hi friends, how was your weekend?  Can I just say that I now  understand why the scale is up 4 pounds?  After church on Sunday, Daniel and I visited a local restarant in Sacramento called Lalos. They serve this delicious dish of grilled cactus, chorizo, chicken and flank steak in a wonderful chili sauce with cheese. 

This dish arrives to your table bubbling hot, served with corn tortillas and beans.

Man, I'm in love with this dish and will definitely recreate thsi dish at home.  Obviously, I could reduce some calories by leaving out the cheese but where is the fun in that?

Somehow, my lunch of salad and chicken does not seem so appealing after having this treat on Sunday.

It's definitely been a challenge to get back on the health wagon but it's like all things... one day at a time.

Do you have any wonderful dishes like this in your culture? Something that you cannot get in a typical restaurant?

Can i just come here and shout I Love Zumba! My first day back and it felt wonderful. It felt like i had my old life back. Them arm movements were mindful but i managed 45 straight minutes.

My last class was October 26. I remember leaving that class and getting The Call from the doctor. I knew my life was going to change on that drive home.

It feels so great to be active again. Thank you Lord for this life...


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Jealousy does not become you...

Dear Paula,

Today you had an emotional day.  You were in prayer this morning and felt ashamed when you stopped just because your son was walking by. You immediately regretted that jolt.  It’s a wonderful thing for your grown children to witness you relying on God.

Then you went to work.  You felt jealousy and envy.  Why? Because someone is smarter than you. Because you had difficulty explaining something to a co-worker. You couldn’t find the words. You felt the need to blame "chemo brain."  You were thenrelieved when Justice XYZ interrupted. Stage left you went.

At your desk, you had the realization that someone did a better job than you while you were gone.  There was even a cool chart.  Damn jealousy ... You felt LESS THAN…. You wanted to hide.  Your pride was bruised.

You found yourself in tears later in the afternoon. You couldn’t explain the tears to self but tried to "name" the emotions you felt at that moment. You aknowledge you were being prideful and jealous. JEALOUSY... There it is again!  I’ve been feeling JEALOUSY a lot lately.

You've even stopped reading Roni's blog.  Why?  Because you couldn't stomache her health and vitality. You are not proud of your feelings.  Forgive yourself. So what if Roni can do a plank a day, run and do the tough mudder.

Forgive yourself.  God is working in my life. You recognize. You have so much to be grateful for and do not feel bad to be feeling these awful emotions.  Maybe crying is okay.  So you had a double mastectomy. Yes, you went through chemo. And no, you do not have the same stamina prior to C.  Forgive yourself Paula… These are all things that will come back in time.  You are here.  Your scars are proof that you had a bump in the road. Remember your saying “I’m not asking for easy. Just strength.”  Acknowledge your feelings and emotions. Recognize them and get over it.  Gratitude is such a better place to be. You’re making progress. Today you walked 1.5 miles in brisk weather. You felt wonderful…  Hold onto that instead of the green eyed monster. Jealosy does not become you.

Now give yourself a hug...