Thoughts on a Thursday

Happy New Years….  I’m incredibly happy to see 2018.  We had a great holiday with family, friends, and grandchildren. I feel blessed and thankful.

Isn’t it crazy how on one hand you feel BLESSED and on the other you feel SAD and almost BITTER?  Just before Christmas I started having migraines and then caught a cold. Today, is my first day back to work in 12 days.  I am looking forward to returning to the gym and running… I found myself sitting on the couch last night… and then I started crying into the couch pillow… The tears came from somewhere deep and I just went with it… Not wanting to suppress them.  My husband came to where I was sitting and just held me… He allowed me to just cry not saying a word. His actions speak volumes… I’m so lucky to have that unconditional love and support.  I don’t always deserve him.

I was tired of the migraines. I was tired of always worrying and thinking IT’S THE CANCER. It’s back. It’s an incredible challenge to live with that fear. Day to Day.  But there I was crying and saying WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS…I know God doesn’t punish. I know that I have it so much better than so many others battling this disease. I am not alone in struggles and hardship. There are others who have far more challenges.... But I allow myself to feel selfish and sorry for myself in that moment.  Just so you know, each morning and throughout my day I am filled with gratitude. I told myself it's okay to FEEL AND SAY IT… I know life isn’t fair. I am no exception, but for some reason… I had to RELEASE that feeling. Out loud.  Thank you Husband for not saying a word.

Today, I went to work. I think my cry-session helped. There are very few people that I can be BARE BONES HONEST WITH… I feel sad about that… I have sisters and friends, but they don’t get it… I feel tremendous pressure sometimes to keep all this at bay as I don’t want to worry my family and even when I try... I can't find the words to express how I feel.  I feel bad that I'm always sharing my aches and pains and that too feels like a contradiction too. I’m such a hot mess.  Share, don't share... cry, don't cry... be strong, don't be strong.

Today is looking better, It’s slow so I begin reading a few blogs, I stumble on an article about two spouses who find love while grieving the loss of their significant other.  Their spouses published books after their death i.e., Nina Riggs (Bright Hour) and Paul Kalanith (When Breath Becomes Air). While reading the article, I played a video clip of Nina Riggs and she talks about an article she wrote from the NYT When A Couch Becomes more than a Couch and she puts words to my feelings exactly.

ACCEPTING EVERY DAY WHEN THERE ISN’T A FUTURE YOU CAN COUNT ON… I’m pretty sure that’s why I was crying… It’s hard to accept no real future.  I mean we all are going to die some day. Tomorrow is not promised to any one of us… but to know that your future is limited or uncertain is a whole different ball of wax.

I wish I was gifted enough to write so eloquently like Paul and Nina. What a gift that would be for my children and grandchildren… Instead, I’ll just come here and write… and try to make some sense of all this…

I have a CT scan scheduled soon and I will remain hopeful and will continue to place my faith in the Lord. Read scripture and to do better each day as I live it… As I walked out of the house, a bird swooped down and began to eat worms and that gave me joy… It’s a reminder that God watches over all of us… Even the little birds.  I’m filled with joy in that moment.

TTFN

Paula

glorifying the chip

Sunday's weather in Sacramento was glorious. My only regret for the day was I did not bike or jog.  I've fallen out of weekend activity. Daniel and I were up early and went shoe shopping.  He got two pair of work boots for $84.  Score!!  I wasn't too hungry around noon but Daniel wanted to eat. We headed to La Fiesta Taqueria. I am pretty much burnt out on tacos.  And I was worried about over doing it on chips and salsa. I have no self control but look at how I dealt with the situation.  I served myself a small serving of chips and loaded them with nopalitos. 

 We sat in a booth with a window.  Instead of soda, I ordered a carrot and organge juice.  I was not hungry because of breakfast (left over taco meat with chips).  I felt so much guilt about consuming chips n chile on Saturday, then continuing the trend with Sunday morning.  Then I find myself in a taqueria on Sunday afternoon. I had gone 2 weeks without chips n chile.  I know I sound like an alcoholic falling off the wagon but that's just how it is when I'm around chips and salsa.  I have eaten an entire bag of tortilla chips. Something wonderful about placing a chip, loaded with chile, smack in the middle of my mouth and tasting and hearing the crunch. I know... I'M GLORIFYING THE CHIP... Moving on.

Daniel ordered a quesadilla and a beer.  He had ordered me a veggie burrito but it was just too much. I took a bite and decided to take it home. 

After our comida, we headed to the movies to see Red Tails.  My reason for choosing this movie?  Terrence Howard, of course. Daniel found the movie boring. He fell asleep.  I kept watching hoping the movie would draw me in. It never did. Maybe because I wanted it to be a love story like Pearl Harbor but it never came close.  I did enjoy watching Terence Howard on the big screen.  I think he's very handsome. 

While Daniel snoozed. I dug into my purse for some pinata candy from my granddaughter and niece's birthday parites on Saturday. Can you believe I did not have any tres leches cake?  I did over dose on tacos and party food.  I hate feeling guilt over food.  I had been doing so well with my weekends. No need to dwell on negative thoughts. Instead, I'm preparing for the week. I have peruvian beans in the crock pot, brisket roasting in the oven and lots of fresh veggies and fruits for my lunches during the week.

I need to be careful with feeling guilt over food.  Life is worth celebrating and we latinos love to celebrate with food  Moderation will always be a struggle. I accept that and I'll just move on...

Is there anything you've accepted on your journey to good health?