Thoughts on a Thursday

Happy New Years….  I’m incredibly happy to see 2018.  We had a great holiday with family, friends, and grandchildren. I feel blessed and thankful.

Isn’t it crazy how on one hand you feel BLESSED and on the other you feel SAD and almost BITTER?  Just before Christmas I started having migraines and then caught a cold. Today, is my first day back to work in 12 days.  I am looking forward to returning to the gym and running… I found myself sitting on the couch last night… and then I started crying into the couch pillow… The tears came from somewhere deep and I just went with it… Not wanting to suppress them.  My husband came to where I was sitting and just held me… He allowed me to just cry not saying a word. His actions speak volumes… I’m so lucky to have that unconditional love and support.  I don’t always deserve him.

I was tired of the migraines. I was tired of always worrying and thinking IT’S THE CANCER. It’s back. It’s an incredible challenge to live with that fear. Day to Day.  But there I was crying and saying WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS…I know God doesn’t punish. I know that I have it so much better than so many others battling this disease. I am not alone in struggles and hardship. There are others who have far more challenges.... But I allow myself to feel selfish and sorry for myself in that moment.  Just so you know, each morning and throughout my day I am filled with gratitude. I told myself it's okay to FEEL AND SAY IT… I know life isn’t fair. I am no exception, but for some reason… I had to RELEASE that feeling. Out loud.  Thank you Husband for not saying a word.

Today, I went to work. I think my cry-session helped. There are very few people that I can be BARE BONES HONEST WITH… I feel sad about that… I have sisters and friends, but they don’t get it… I feel tremendous pressure sometimes to keep all this at bay as I don’t want to worry my family and even when I try... I can't find the words to express how I feel.  I feel bad that I'm always sharing my aches and pains and that too feels like a contradiction too. I’m such a hot mess.  Share, don't share... cry, don't cry... be strong, don't be strong.

Today is looking better, It’s slow so I begin reading a few blogs, I stumble on an article about two spouses who find love while grieving the loss of their significant other.  Their spouses published books after their death i.e., Nina Riggs (Bright Hour) and Paul Kalanith (When Breath Becomes Air). While reading the article, I played a video clip of Nina Riggs and she talks about an article she wrote from the NYT When A Couch Becomes more than a Couch and she puts words to my feelings exactly.

ACCEPTING EVERY DAY WHEN THERE ISN’T A FUTURE YOU CAN COUNT ON… I’m pretty sure that’s why I was crying… It’s hard to accept no real future.  I mean we all are going to die some day. Tomorrow is not promised to any one of us… but to know that your future is limited or uncertain is a whole different ball of wax.

I wish I was gifted enough to write so eloquently like Paul and Nina. What a gift that would be for my children and grandchildren… Instead, I’ll just come here and write… and try to make some sense of all this…

I have a CT scan scheduled soon and I will remain hopeful and will continue to place my faith in the Lord. Read scripture and to do better each day as I live it… As I walked out of the house, a bird swooped down and began to eat worms and that gave me joy… It’s a reminder that God watches over all of us… Even the little birds.  I’m filled with joy in that moment.

TTFN

Paula