Thursday Thoughts

Hey friends, how’s your week treating you?  Can I just say this is my 4^th week back at work and I’m absolutely grateful for some normalness.  Keeping busy is the best medicine one can take when dealing with a terminal illness.  I know that sounds odd but it’s true.  I’m grateful for the distraction.   Even the questions from co-workers.  It’s not easy to say “I’m on chemo indefinitely.”  when asked about my treatment.  Every time I say it, I myself ask “what does that mean.”  I’ve decided not to think about that until I have to think about it. Does that make sense? Prolly not.

All I can do is just smile and say “Luckily, it’s all manageable and I have more good days than bad days.”  I was asked if I’m in pain and what am I taking? Again, I say “essential oils and a little cannabis.”  One co-worker said “I wouldn’t share that… but then why ask me?  I’m an open book and if you ask me a question, I tend to answer.  It makes my life easier.

I have an important oncology appointment coming up next week. My doctor will go over my recent scan which caused me to read my initial scans. You know, I just couldn’t read them prior to treatment. It’s like the more you know, the scarier shit becomes.  I’m amazed at how calm I am right now… I know God gives me strength to endure all things and I’m grateful for hope and his grace and mercy. 

While researching the side effects of my medication, I was relieved to hear that the weight gain that I have in my mid-section is due to steroids, as is my veracious appetite. I also learned that one of the side effects of steroids is “moon face”… Yep, I definitely have moon face. 

 

I'm not going to lie... There are moments that I really miss me.... The old me.... The me before cancer?  I recall starting paulawannacracker with the goal of exercising more and losing weight and maybe share the journey to a healthier self.  That was then...

She's still here with me. I just need to pull her out of her ass from time to time and remind her that cancer doesn't have to be the focus of her life but there are moments where it's tough.  I want to fight and be here for my kids, grandkids and husband. I am more than this disease.... I am paulawannacracker and I am tough as nails.... To hell with moon face, steroids, and stupid questions.  It's all about today and I'm just pretty happy to be here.  If you happen to stumble onto this blog and are dealing with illness. I tell you to hold onto hope. Hold onto you and do your best not to let the disease you are fighting take away your essence.  Yes, steroids affect my mood but it's up to me not to lose myself in those side effects.  I'm grateful for my job, for routine, for a place (yes, even this here blog) where I'm reminded of who and what I am.... I am a child of the most high and I can do all things through him. He strengthens me and gives me hope.

Hope... Isn't that the best?

 

Later gators.

Making lemonade out of lemons

Happy Monday friends.  I hope you had a good weekend. Mine was filled with my kids and grandkids.  I love Sundays because that usually means I've cooked a pot of posole, soup or some other meal and the kids come over for a visit. It's great when all my little grands get together. They're TERRIBLE when they're all together. For example, last weekend, they picked all the lemons and oranges that were budding on my trees in the backyard.  SMH... What do you do? I layed down the law for starters.

This weekend, we had water balloon fights and our shenanigans involved buckets of ice water. It is still pretty warm in Sacramento. It was a good time for sure.  Having stage 4 cancer, you worry about stuff like "will they remember me fondly."  I hate taking pictures but I've embraced it since it's a way to say "HEY, I WAS HERE." 

In wanting "normalness" and "routine, I decided to return to work part-time. I knew immediately that I wanted to wear a wig each day instead of wearing a scarf as below. 
Naturally, I was apprehensive about returning since I no longer have hair, eybrows or eyelashes... But thanks to makeup, there's something I can do about that... I hope by saying this it doesn't make me vain but I have always had great hair and perfect eyebrows....  Nothing like losing some of your attributes to humble you.  I've had to dig deep and let go some of that...

He I am a few weeks ago when I still had some eyebrows.... Posting this here is liking standing naked in a crowded room.  Cancer is a bitch and you just have to fight back...

Here I am last week getting my weekly chemo treatment.  Truthfully, it's not been so bad. The worse part of chemo is the nurses trying to get a vein for the IV.

On Selecting a Wig

I was sure that when I went back to work, that I wanted to wear a wig. It think the awkard thing about wearing scarves and hats is that people tend to stare and the last thing I want is a pitty party or having cancer be the only topic we talk about, so I was off to find a wig that didn't make me look more ridiculous.

After several visits, I bought this Remy Lace Wig with real hair. Gosh, when I put it on, I was amazed at how authentic it looked. I have not had long in in maybe 6 years.

 

Here I am my first day back at work.  What do you think? For starters, I'm super happy and second, I like wearing the wig pulled back. It looks more natural.

I am also getting better at dong my eyebrows and hiding the fact that I have no eyelashes.

I tell you I'm making lemonade out of lemons....