the view

fear sets in

2012-01-26T14:36:00.000-08:00

I am having difficulty with finding balance with my level of activity and my home life. At least 3 times a week, I attend a zumba class. There have been weeks that I go every evening. I arrive home at 7:45 p.m. What do I find when I get home? Daniel making his dinner. Maybe he's doing a load of laundry since I'm backed and he has no work clothes. I'm starving and sweaty. I change or shower depending on how hungry I am. This is tricky because if I'm too hungry, I will start eating and not stop until I make myself sick. It takes a while for my stomache to tell my brain YOU'RE FULL. Then there's dishes. I'm zonked. Daniel rarely complains but h e's had it when I tell him to clean his mess. He thinks since he's cooking and doing laundry that I should do the dishes. I'm all 'IT AIN'T MY MESS" I find myself being very selfish. If I do not exercise. The scale will go up. I'm doing all this and the scale doesn't move. Imagine if I stop? Fear sets in.

I shower and throw myself on the couch. Daniel wants to spend time with me . I have nothing left in me at this point. He feels rejected and I understand maybe he's questioning the relationship. He's on his own most evenings.That can't be fun.

It is incredibly hard for me to balance US time. I do my best on the weekends. I know our relationship needs nurturing but the fear of the scale drives my need to exercise. Honestly, if I do not attend these classes and use my lunch hours for walking, I WILL FIND MYSELF AT 213 lbs again. My recent work schedule has cut into my walking time and the scale is already up 5 lbs. This is life and 5 lbs in the grand scheme of things is not the end of the world... but the fear of scale going up is always in the back of my mind.

I am smart. I know I have to make this work. I am not the only one who struggles with balance. My immediate plan? Throw a load of laundry to wash in the mornings. Use my crock pot. Leverage my lunch hour ie.., get my cardio in at noon. Attend zumba no more than 3 times a week. Yes, I have a plan and that helps the fear subside. At least for now.

behind a glass window

2012-01-25T16:10:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken on campus while sitting on a chair looking out a full glass window using my smart phone. The sitting area looks lonely. Not just because of the over cast weather but because taking the photo behind the glass window adds a layer of "something" that I can't quite explain. I know noting about photography or composition... I just know I like it.

I realize I have not used my camera in months. Actually, the battery is dead and I cannot find my charger. I love photography but don't have a clue. It might be time I take the plunge and buy a real camera. Anyone any suggestions? I'd like a DSLR. One that's affordable and easy to learn. It's gotta be light and easy to carry. Suggestions, anyone?

Rosa of Stuffing my feelings is responsible for my sudden interest in photography. I just love looking at the pictures she takes of her family.

weathering the weather

2012-01-24T15:44:00.000-08:00

Source

Weather always affects my mood. It's easy to be happy and energetic when the sun is shining. But it takes extra perseverence to exercise when the weather turns gloomy. NOTE TO SELF: Make sure you have your gym clothes with you in the car before heading to late afternoon appointment. You don't want to make it easy for you to SKIP your evening workout. You know it's going to be hard when it's cold and gloomy tonight so don't leave room for excuses. Surely you're not going to let a little ugly weather determine your mood? Now get going. You have lots to do before zumba class. Oh, and don't forget your 3 lb. weights. You'll need them for the 15 minute warm-up.

Do you like being a girl?

2012-01-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

THESE GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN--THAT'S ALL THEY REALLY WANT..
BESIDES GIRLY CLOTHES AND JEWELRY

I've been going through 3 years of photos and I came across this one picture of my granddaughters and my grandsons (see background). It was taken last year. This is classic... My THREE LOCAS (my crazy girls), which is how I refer to them when they're together. My how they love clothes, jewelry and playing princess where as my grandsons---are only into gadgets. See them in the background?

These little girls have me wondering why I wasn't born with the girly girl mentality... I hate shopping. If I'm wearing jewelery and heels, I feel self-conscious. I find myself giving careful thought to clothes since I work in high profile office in the mornings. Ugh. It's hard being a girl. At least for me. I try to shop and I end up in the electronic section drooling over the ipad2 and DSLR cameras. I prefer gadgets. While I enjoy the "perks" of being a woman i.e., getting help loading my groceries into the car, not doing yard work, or having to use power tools... but being a girly-girl? Gawd... it's too much work. If only I had a stylist shop and dress me now that would be awesome.

Am I alone in that I'd rather shop for gadgets than dresses?

I dared myself to want more… and it’s wonderful.

2012-01-20T16:11:00.000-08:00

Whew, what a day. The moment I arrived to work, I was pushed out of my comfort zone. I freaked and then reminded self “this is what you wanted. This feeling is a reminder that you’re living.” I worked through my challenge and told my self “just work through it—that’s how you’ll get past it.” Isn’t that true in life, in general?

A few months before I stopped blogging, I felt like something was missing in my life. I wanted more. I wanted a lifestyle ala bitchcakes. I wanted THIS LIFE and I debated leaving Daniel to get it. I envisioned seeing myself in this hip apartment, biking to work and living differently…. I thought leaving my significant other would afford me this lifestyle. I wanted to “blow up my life so to speak.” I had semi-challenged myself in the fitness areas of my life…. I climbed Mt. Tallac and was pushed to my physical limits and I quit the “grandma zumba class” that I’d been doing and joined a zen master class. Whew, now I know what it’s like to work out even when I think I can’t take no more…

I accepted the fact that I was living in an increasingly decaying urban neighborhood and I decided to cut my losses and sell. Found a great place, near bicycle paths and great eateries. With that done—I debated leaving my job of 21 years. Could I buy a taco truck? Instead, I had a frank discussion with my boss. I needed to be challenged. I felt like a den mother in my current job. How do you tell your boss “you’re paying me too much money to shop at Smart n Final and babysit grad students.” It panned out and I’m being challenged intellectually. I’m making decisions and what’s more---I feel alive. You can’t just wait for you life to change. You have to recognize that “hmmm” feeling and shake things up. It turns out, I did not have to leave Daniel to have a different life. Daniel and I are different. it’s okay that he wants carnitas y tortillas and I a black bean burger? I dared myself to want more… and it’s wonderful.

This morning, I dressed for work. I put on some old jeans, boots and a gray top. My ass was sticking out and my thights felt thick and you know what I said to self “I love my curves…” I feel great for an almost 50 year old woman. This is paulawannacracker and I’m loving the view from here.

cabbage is not your friend

2012-01-19T17:18:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks as though Sacramento is finally going to get some rain afer all. Don't get me wrong, I've been enjoying the unusally warm weather but something does not feel right about it... don't you think?

It looks as though I'm on my own for dinner. I've finely shredded cabbage, cilantro, carrots, added carne al pastor and a big spoon of peruano beans topped with salsa. Cabbage has been my "go to food" for some time. I think its quite versatile and I never get tired of it... except, I think I've been eating too much this week. I'll tell you why...

I went to the chiropractor earlier today for a massage and adjustment. I was walking yesterday and missed a step and felt my whole back get out of alignment. So I'm laying on the massage table. She focuses on my lower back, right leg and my glutes--all on my right side. O.M.G. It was all I could do not to pass gas. I did my best keeping it in and at one point--she's pushing on these pressure points on my butt and lifting my leg and all I can think is "please God. Don't let me fart." That was the longest 30 minute massage. As soon as I was done, I dressed and headed to the restroom. Glorious restroom. I still had to be adjusted. No way was I going to lay on my side and bam!!! I thanked my lucky stars that nothing embarrassing happened but as soon as I was safe and in my car... well, I don't need to go further, right? Surely, I'm not the only one that's had this kind of problem on a massage table? If things would have went the other way (pun not intended), I would have switched doctors with a quickness.

So I'm thinking tonight is my last meal of repollito for a while. What would you have done if you were in my situation? Pray like me?

Just couldn't stay away

2012-01-18T17:50:00.000-08:00

from blogging. I deleted my previous blog because well, I was feeling defeated by the scale and basically, just felt done... I felt the need to make changes. I was unhappy in my job. Unhappy in my current home and you add to that unhappy with my weigh loss efforts and you have one unhappy chica.

Fast foward to 3 months later and I've sold the house, moved to a safer neighborhood and shook things up at work. I am now in two different departments in an education setting and I absolutely love the challenges that the new position provides. I also looked at my exercise routine. Cannot believe I believed I'd been giving it my "all" in that department. I now attend a much more choreographed zumba class 3 times a week that leaves me exhausted. Even right now... I'm dreading the 60 minutes of intense sweating....

The scale is up by 5 pounds but I'm no longer fretting about it... Food is not the enemy here. It is me and how I view it... I miss my blog. It's like a good friend who understands and listens to me....I've missed that---I find that I have much to say about nothing at all and that will be my focus here....

Well, I'm off. Later gators.